admissions and various states of undress....{tuesday truths}

with the last weeks of summer
coming in
and all of them marked with
places to be and things to do
i am feeling a little panicky
that my summer is going to be over
before i know it
and will i be convinced that i have
spent it in the best possible way?

i feel like a bouncy ball...
when i am up
i am full of energy and ideas,
going to deep clean the house!
buy the kids school supplies early!
make sure all the bills are paid in time!
get husband's business in control paperwork-wise!
make a menu plan!
lose weight!
knit! sew a quilt! write a book! take more pictures!

but when the ball hits the ground,
it hits hard...
the house is overwhelmingly messy,
i don't know where to start...
money sucks...
everything is overwhelming
and each overwhelming thing
connects to another leaving me
floundering and wandering from
one half-hearted attempt
to another
in the end
feeling like i have accomplished
nothing.

i like the days that i'm up
much more
than the days that i'm
down.

where i was at wednesday...

it has been 18 years today.

18 years ago.

this blows my mind
for lack of more eloquent words
to express myself...

i think of you
and i am a kid again...
you and i climbing the rocks
at the beach...
writing love notes in red lipstick...
calling each other by aliases we wished our
names really were...andi and jade...
eating cold popcorn and watching purple rain...
singing the lyrics to every bon jovi video
in time with "the moves" we had down pat...

i miss you i miss you i miss you.

i wonder today
if things were different,
if bad things didn't happen,
if redneck idiots didn't get behind
the steering wheel of corvettes
when they have had too much to drink...
if things were different,
how would we be today...
would we call each other everyday?
would you have stayed here...would i?

you were going to paint your house red
and i was going to paint my house purple
and we were going to live next door to each other.

and we would both drive a fiaro.

i went to our beach today
and stood out on a rock rough with the
skeletons of snails
against my bare feet
and i talked to you out loud.

where are you.
i am here.
where are you.

and i waited for some sign.
some symbol.
other people get dragonflies,
little birds they recognize,
rainbows, fireflies, where was my sign...
where are you.

i dreamt about you two nights ago.
and in this dream, as always, you were back
from somewhere far away
and i was happy and relieved and excited
but when i called
you couldn't {wouldn't} see me.

is that a sign.

it that my sign?

what is it...
what does it mean.

i stood on that rock and i stared at the horizon
at the border
at the edge of the world
watery and gray...
and i waited for an answer.

instead
i found a heart shaped rock
crooked and ill formed
in the sand
and i brought it to you
with 3 orange flowers that i stole
from the yard
next to the church...
i wrote you a note
promised you eternal memory
and twisted it into a ribbon
to tie around the stolen flowers
and left you my heart
crooked
and ill formed.

all
and
nothing.

august?

august already...

i did not mean to take an almost week long break...
but we have had some real
honest to island beach weather
and i have been taking advantage of it.

i have been breathing in salt air
and getting sand between my toes
listening to the waves lap
against the shore
and the muted voices of kids
building sandcastles in the distance....

and i think that in august
i am going to try to do more of this...
this being present in the moment,
this taking advantage of the
slow lifestyle i currently have
with being off work and the kids
being out of school...
i'm going to take each day as it comes
and
perfect
my tan...

cause who knows,
it could all change tomorrow.

xo

tuesday truth

and there is only one.

sometimes i feel lonely
even when i am not by myself,
when i am standing amidst a group
of people,
the chatter, the din, the racket and
ruckus silences me
makes me feel small
and of no consequence.

so i shrink further back
into my shell...pulling my legs
and arms back in
before anyone could have
even noticed they were out...

closing my eyes, imagining myself
anywhere else
but here
amongst friends
and sometimes family...

sometimes i am just lonely.
overwhelmingly
surprisingly
quietly
awkwardly
tiredly
full of emptiness.

quiet...

no radio on...
no frantic clicking of the keys
on the computer behind me...
the tv has not been on yet this morning.

no one has asked me for ice cream
{after the pre-requisite breakfast, of course}
no talk of lego building
or lego websites
or drones and star war figures
or emperor palatine
and count dooku and can
my paints be used to create
custom lego men???

no ringing phone
no shower running,
no hearing the music she is
listening to, even though
she has headphones on.

only birds...
and a lawnmower...
rustling leaves...
my own jagged pitter patter
clicking of keys
as the words come to me
in small storms of truth.

and sighs
as i miss them...
they have only been gone one
night but already the day seems
so long without them here.