some 'spailin' to do...


it feels like it has been a long time
since i have been here...
i have meant to come here
every day...
i have made plans,
i have even opened the page
and started uploading some photos...

then got distracted
by late birthday parties
and proposals for the photography business
plus planning an extenstion to the photography
and feeling out the response on that...
plus getting caught up on things
i should have gotten done long ago
(but am happy now to be able to finally
cross off the list)...
add in a wedding and
the regular chores and expectations of life...

and you have the reason for my absence...

forgive me?

the bridal showcase...putting myself out there...

well.

i did it.

i set up at the bridal showcase
even though i knew that there were
going to be other photographers there...
photographers with more experience
than me...with more equipment than me...
with more training than me...
photographers who would have big
screen moniters and fancy tables
with canvases and easels and
professionally framed photos...

and then...
there was me...
with my l'il arts and crafts table...
a {painstakingly} homemade banner...
2 enormous pumpkins...
a handful of glittery leaves scattered about...
some 8X10's glued to foam core board
and showcased on my mini dollar store easels
painted with brown acrylic paint the night before.
two albums...
one of them scrapbooked...
but you know what?
i was ok with it.
because when i look at that table...
it says "me". it is me.
all of it...right down to the dollar store easels.

and i had 136 people stop by my table...
at least...and a few of them said
they knew me from my facebook page...
a couple of them said they were told by
friends to look for my table when they came...

and i feel good about it.
it was a good day.
i'll do it again next year, for sure...
{with or without a big screen moniter.}

where i've been and where i'm going...


i have been trying hard
to establish a routine, a ritual,
a way of being...
i started with journalling every morning
but i had no time limit, no page expectation...
i also read a page from simple abundance
every morning...
and have been doing this book...

the challenge for week four
in the life makeovers book
refers back to julia cameron
and the exercise of morning pages...
the challenge is to do it for 30 days...
3 pages a morning.

i have always struggled with 3 pages.

but i thought i would give it a try.
the first couple of days, i really struggled...
a huge part of me just wanted to put the book
down and walk away...i just kept thinking
almost in a temper tantrum kind of way
i don't want to do this...

so...i made a tag that hangs on my bulletin board
with some journal prompts on it...
i use the passage that day from simple abundance
to write some of my thoughts on
and i have gone back to an idea that michelle
once shared...to write the happiest things
that have happened to me today
(but since i write in the morning, i share
the happiest things from yesterday)
and what i really, really want for today...

and i light a vanilla baked cookies scented candle.

and it's working...the 3 pages are now a breeze...
and this morning, i actually came across
some insights i had never thought about before.
like why i have such trouble ever speaking
or writing of "soul"...and i realized that i
equate soul with religion...another area i struggle with...
because i can't see it, it is not tangible...
i can point to my elbow for you, i can bend my
knee if you ask, i can take pictures of my feet...

but soul?
it's so abstract, so slippery...
how do i know there is such a thing?
is it just what makes me
me?
because i generally refer that as a
mix of brain and heart...
both being body parts
i can point to.

why do i struggle so with anything
that requires
beleif.
and faith.

so you see...the three pages thing...
it's working for me.

no more single digits....


today
my boy turns ten.
ten years old.
double digits.
grade 5.
able to hang out by himself
for a bit if i run to the store...
makes his own breakfast....
eats alllll the time...

and yet, he is still so sweet...
cuddling on the couch
talking non stop about lego
teasing his sister
star war fanatic...

and i love you more than words can say.