i am not gonna lie.
i kinda had a tough weekend…
i don’t usually
feel sorry
for myself
but
this weekend,
well…
the furnace acting up is one thing…
but the furnace
acting up after i just replaced
the stupid oil tank…
and the issue with the furnace
added to the roof leaking
and the downed trees that i still need to move
plus the side door
i need to replace…

well.

the furnace acting up
was just the straw that
might have temporarily broke me.

but….
the good news is…
i feel better now.

first of all, we have a great furnace guy.
he came as soon as he could
and he is coming back tomorrow
and hopefully, we will be all fixed up again
when he leaves.

and today
i wanted to do farm day in the city
but just didn’t have it in me…i was sad and worried and well,
just feeling kinda “i-give-up”-y so
19 spent the day with me…
i had apple picking on my 50 before 50 list
so he totally humored me
(even though I know he definitely had other things
he could have been doing)…and said let’s go.

he reached all the tall apples for me
and made me laugh…
we drove down dirt roads,
took photos of cows,
stopped in to see my parents,
and then went out for supper
(five dollar fill-ups at KFC for all!)

and
by the end of the day
i felt far less “i give up” ish
and much more
grateful
for the things in my life
that **really** matter.
(*and*…i can cross apple picking
off my 50 before 50 list!)
♥

every year
i choose a word for the year…
a word to help
push me or gently guide me
depending on the need.

some years,
it has worked amazing…
other years, i may or may not have forgotten
what the word was
before the last sunset in
the first week of
january.

and that’s ok.
i don’t worry too much about it.
if it works, that’s great!
and if not, well, maybe i just picked the wrong word for that year.

looking back::

2018::Embrace - yeah…not so much. But, in my defense, the year kinda sucked no matter what word i would have chosen.
2017::Adventure - this one went really well for me…it was when i started my Friday Adventures :)
2016::Happy
2015::Risk - the year i decided it was time to cut back/stop shooting weddings
2014::Balance
2013::Brave
2012::Leap
2011::Connect
2010::Play/Expand
2009::Dare - this was another one of my best years related to my word
2008::Focus - looking back, I think this was helpful for the following year…

and this year, 2019, I am choosing a gentle word.
unfold.
a passive verb, if there is such a thing…
i need to let go a little, to relax, to stop holding on so tight
to what used to be….
and let a new beginning unfold.

i don’t want to force it or plan it or rush it or demand that it match
some preconceived picture in my head….
i just want to take my time and allow things to happen
as they happen.

which does not mean that i won’t be setting goals and
creating habit trackers and devising blueprints for taking over the world… :)
i do have a lot of things that i want to shift my focus to this year.

mainly in the creative areas of my life.
that’s where i feel excitement and fire and butterflies in my belly….
(all in a good way)…

but…in other areas, the areas that are murky and blurred and
sometimes, a little scary…the areas that involve change
and transition and how do we do this now when we are no longer “we”…
what happens next? how does one move forward?
what does moving forward even look like for me?
well. that part i am going to let go of.
i think that going through our first Christmas apart
might have taught me that it is ok to let go of any expectations…
to just let it happen….don’t worry about what new tradition should
replace one that you feel you lost…let the new tradition find you…
maybe it will be jamming a christmas tree in the back seat of the car
every year…maybe it will be picking up breakfast at a local gas station
coffee shop and then laughing about how you froze in the
drive through and ordered everyone some sort of weird (but good) vegetarian garden bagel…

maybe it will be playing a rousing game of parcheesi at the end of the day.

regardless, i have resolved to just let it find me.
and the same with new relationships and friendships…
i am going to stop panicking that i will be alone for the rest of my life
because i am incredibly awkward and far too forthcoming on social media…(this post is proof of that)
and
just
let
whatever
happens….
happen.

let it unfold.