day twenty-three...in which i resort to a list.

a day spent in a classroom
hot and stiff and
listening to talk of
marketing and surveys,
recessions and the
importance of good bookkeeping...

santa claus parade tonight
sitting on a sleeping bag
with ten
while 14 watches with her boyfriend
{but just down the street from us}
S. beside me
in his work coveralls
and me in his handknit earflap hat...

spaghetti for supper
before the parade...
watching out the window
with excitement
for the flashing lights,
too-crunchy-garlic-bread...

hot chocolate
and toast
when we get home...

warm slippers...
pajama pants...
the click clack of keys
the winding down
of a monday night
at home...

day twenty-one...pms and change and silence


and cranky
and fragile...
pms feels like it is running
rampant
through my veins
{like poison}
{like molten lead}
{like citric acid}
close to tears
at every turn...

i need to shift gears
i need to let go
i need to take a step back
away from myself
so i can really
see
myself.

deep breath
eyes closed
letting go

pause

and do it again.

day nineteen...in which i have ingested too much diet coke



100 ideas by keri smith::number 12
Make a map of everywhere you went in one day.

i did draw a map of
where i have been
but rather than posting it here
i decided to post
a different map of where
i have been.
these photos represent
where i have been
in a totally different way...
and not in a day
but in what feels like a lifetime...
i have a hard time meshing my two lives
together...
there was before them...and after them...
and they have changed me so much...
i have changed me so much...
and that makes me happy.

there is a wooden christmas tree
plugged in by the couch
and i can see the glow
of the lights reflected in the window
beside me
and that makes me happy.

i received a phone call today
that puts me one more tiny step
forward towards
officially opening a photography business...
and an email yesterday from a friend that
i thought had forgotten about me
and today i emailed her back with some hard
questions...it was hard for me
because it felt like "putting myself out there"
but it felt good at the same time...
i watched a video blog of someone else's
good news...
tonight is greys anatomy and a taped
episode of glee with a fudgestick
and maybe even a mug of hot chocolate
while i sit wrapped in fuzzy blankets
and allow myself to be lost
in someone else's life a while...

but i'm always happy to come back to my own.