should i stay or should i go????cue the music


here is my dilemma...

i don't know what i want to be when i grow up.

i'm 35, well, i will be 35 in sept although i always start saying i'm a year older
as soon as my birthday comes...don't ask, i don't know why?
anyhow, thats totally off topic.

so i always thought that if i could just get my early childhood education diploma
i would be happy doing that...
i have it
and i'm not so happy anymore.
i thought i do provide childcare from my home
and that would eliminate need for trusting anyone else with my own children
i have done that for the past 2 years
and my youngest will be starting school in september
so now what...
do i stay or do i go?

i could work at a daycare
but there are no daycares in my town that i would really want to work at
i don't really enjoy the institutional idea of daycare anyway
(heh heh i know ironic but what can i say)
people used to ask me what daycare my own children went to
while i was working or taking my course
and i had to bite back
the look of sheer shock and revulsion
"my children in daycare????"
we always had someone come in to look after them
which also has its drawbacks as we found out
but not until i was done of my course and working from home
and then my youngest who was a late talker
began talking
about the childcare provider we had for him
and how she used to tell him to shut up....
anyhow...i am not going to talk about this because
i get too upset.

what was i saying?

oh yeah...what do i do? we bought this house
and its huge really
but there is no "seperate" space for childcare...
i can do childcare here but its not with the same expectations that i have for doing it...
oh christ
i don't know
i go back and forth on this daily...
when things are going smooth i love it
when its hot and the kids are cranky and parents are saying things
that could be taken in various ways
(she looks awfully hot)
well do you mean that i shouldn't have them outside cause last week the innuendo
was that i WASN'T taking them outside enough
and not getting paid
and christ.
then that brings me back to childcare for my own children
unless i can get a job that falls between 9 and 3
and pays well
and is within walking distance
cause did i mention
i am a thirty five year old
without a drivers license?
i thought not.

sorry really for the all-over-the-mappedness of this post
thats kind of how i feel right now...