looking but not finding...

yesterday i wrote about the dream i had
the night before in which i saw her again
and i questioned whether or not
it is just my subconscious
or if it is something bigger than that...

last night
i had a dream that seemed to last all night
in which i was looking for her...
and couldn't find her.

i wonder if that was also my subconscious
just playing off what i wondered about
or if it was some sort of vague truth
that i can't control when i see her
but that, maybe, she can.

i know that sounds crazy.
i feel crazy even typing it.

but there is a history attached to this
that makes me look at it in ways
i normally wouldn't...
i am generally a cynical person,
very analytical,
very demanding of proof...
but when it comes to this subject,
i guess...maybe...i just want to believe
in something...