longing. and fear.

i haven't been able to write much
this weekend.

my head just hasn't been in it.

you see,
there is something out there
in the world
that i want so bad
that it makes my stomach muscles
tense up to think of it,
it raises my anxiety to think
of someone else getting it...

and i am within an arm's reach...
i can almost touch it
but it can still be easily
taken by someone else
and i won't know until wednesday...

so that is where my head is.

visualizing what my life will be like
if i have this "thing"
visualizing my response if i don't
get what i want...

sorry for being so cryptic...
i just don't want to jinx myself...