sunday best...and a bit of a rotten day....

feeling a little off this morning...
had a rough day yesterday
after a stressful morning
involving 3 am incoherent texts
and a bruise that should never have happened

it is hard to know where to step in
where to draw lines
what decisions are mine
and which ones are hers to make.

it is hard to separate my own past experiences
from hers,
i know that i am filtering what happened
to her
and mixing it up with old memories of how i felt
when it happened to me

and i can't do that.
this is not what happened to me.
this is what happened to her.
she is not me.
she is so much stronger and mouthier and sure of herself.
i was so quiet and apologetic and forgiving and passive.

i need to be here for her no matter what
but i can't make this decision for her.
i cannot tell her she can't see him anymore.
she is not me.
she will make better decisions than i did, i think.
but even i eventually had enough.
but each person has to decide
is enough
for them.

had my parents known, had they tried to step in,
it would have changed nothing.
i was determined that it was ok, that it was my fault,
that if i could just "be better"...
less whiny, less crying, less taking things to heart,
more organized, more fun, more aware of the triggers that might set him off...
then this wouldn't happen.
if i could "be better" things would get better.

but eventually,
it was enough.
but i had to figure that out in my own time.
not what i meant to write here today.

a little bit of sunday best...