it’s here.

new years eve.
the last day of 2023.
the last year i will
have seen my dad in….
talked to him…
said “you ok, dad?”
sitting with him
while he smoked on the back step…
taking him outside for a smoke
from various hospitals
or see him so happy over
cold, cold water or ice cold ginger ale.

2023 holds the last time
i made him laugh…
heard him say my name
or call out love ya
as i was leaving.

because this time he was the one
who had to leave.

and it’s hard to leave 2023
for that reason alone.

knowing 2024 will only hold
memories of him.

up until today, I was all yes!
a new year! i’m ready!

but now that i am on the cusp of it,
part of me wants to rewind
instead of fast forward
or at least stand still
but i know that can’t be.

the only way forward is through.

this is not what i came here to write
but there it is.