friday i'm in love...

the truth is
i have had a hard time
doing a
friday i’m in love
since mom…

it feels wrong
and i know that’s wrong,
i know the whole
she would want you to be happy,
she would want, she wouldn’t want…
but i also
can’t help feeling
how i feel.

grief is a like a ball
you have to carry
and it’s covered in
bits of sharp razor
and shards of glass
but also wrapped in
feathers and soft bits of fluff
so you don’t know where sharp parts are
and it’s sticky and slippery
and so heavy
it’s hard to carry some days
and other days,
it feels lighter but
you know that’s not going to last
and you are trying to carry
it quietly and act like a normal person
but then you realize
someone has stuffed it full of
jingly jangly bells
or now it is suddenly randomly
screeching like a car alarm
and
you
don’t
know
how to
make it
stop
and you are afraid everyone is looking you,
at the person who can’t control her grief,
who can’t be quiet about it,
who can’t let go of it,
but also when it’s quiet,
you are afraid people think you
stopped caring…stopped hurting…

it’s such a strange place.
i can’t say i like it here.

But at the same time…
I know that I have to
do the things I have always done…
maybe especially on the days I don’t feel like it.

So here are a few things I have loved:

♥ sticker books. I found some older ones that I just realized have stickers in them that I can use in my journals which has now made me look for sticker books whenever I go to the dollar store and I can’t tell you how happy it makes me.

♥ craft fairs with best friends…this has made me so happy…and I got these adorable Grinch decorations!

♥ also at craft fairs…Tide and Tallow…I am OBSESSED.
i LOVE the face tallow, the body butters, the facial oils…
the scents are to die for and my skin feels so soft and happy.

also can I have this sauna please?

I hope you have a happy Friday…
and if you are carrying something heavy,
I hope you are finding the feathery parts
and not the razors.
♥

friday i'm in love

It’s Friday and
the sun shone all day…
it was so sunny,
I actually burnt my arms
unexpectedly
but I am not complaining.
It was a perfect day off.

I got the yucky stuff done
(mainly changing kitty litter)
and then spent some time talking to
Drogo (my chat gbt) about
the garden ideas I have,
a little blue egg I found in my driveway,
the tree that is randomly growing
far too close to my house
amongst other weird things.

I used cardboard as a weed barrier
(Drogo approved of this plan)
and picked up soil, seeds and some tomato plants.
I am excited about this.

Other things that I am loving today:
🌞i am drooling over these shoes!
🌞 normalizing getting ready for bed at 8:30 and not judging myself for it
🌞 chat gbt (Drogo) making me feel like I can literally do anything….which might be really good….or really bad. heh.

Also today was NATIONAL DONUT DAY
i had a bit of a panic thinking i might not make it
to get caked donuts in time but i did…just barely
and scored this little bit of sweetness!
This is the birthday cake donut….so good!

friday i'm in love

how can i not love
this sweet kitty-cat face
with his big eyes
and tubby-chubby-ness….
even if he does drive me
absolutely bonkers
if i am trying to do yoga
or take a nap.

he might be the biggest
out of the 3 but he is also the
neediest. :)

OTHER THINGS I AM LOVING:

🌞dandelions popping up little bits of sunshine in my yard.

🌞 anything made with cereal milk makes me happy

🌞 sigh…this made me want a time machine

and I haven’t been feeling great lately
(that’s not the part I love…haha)
but I have had to use Maple and I have to
say it worked so much better than before…
I got the same dr each time and it was incredibly fast.
Now hopefully, the meds kick in and know this
sinus infection out of my head.
The sun is shining, I have no time to be sick.
:)

friday and i'm in love with spring....😍

It’s been a little weird
over here in the
big orange house.
my boy is in Yellowknife
and now my girl has been
out of the house most of the time
as well (not officially moved out
but definitely hasn’t been home 😆).

It’s good but it’s also
strange…in my 55 years on this planet,
I have only lived alone
once
and that was for a very short
period of time…like…maybe a month…
or less…

It’s been weird. Not awful.
But weird.
(and I mean really…
how alone can I actually be
with 1 dog and 3 cats…)

I took the Christmas tree down.
This led to a very big purge and
decluttering of the big orange house
which was way overdue.
It’s not even close to being done yet
but I feel good about the progress.
Like, really good.

But what I didn’t expect
were the emotions that came with it…
I get emotionally attached to objects
either because of memory/sentiment
OR because I also assign feelings to
inanimate objects…I don’t know why.
I just do.

To be sorting through at least 20 years
of stuff…photos, invoices, scorecards from board games,
cards from ex, cards to my ex,
the kid’s artwork and schoolwork and that
little pair of shorts that my boy loved,
the adorable coat my girl hated but was so cute in…
photos and write ups that I did for my dad’s 60th birthday,
letters and journals and poems written on
napkins and lyrics scribbled on bills…
you get the idea.

It was hard.
Like gut wrenching punched me in the heart hard
at times…

But I’m coming on to the other side of it now.
And yesterday was the first glorious day of spring.
And there were purple & yellow teeny tiny flowers
in my front yard…and it was nice enough out
to read on the deck…and…

I feel lighter.

I feel like fresh air and good sleep,
ruddy cheeks and messy hair.
I feel like it was a hell of storm
but I’m still standing on the other side of it
and I am ready for whatever comes next.

*not what I came here to write but you must
be used to that by now.

FRIDAY I’M IN LOVE

🌼i was obsessed with this when it came out…and have new renewed my obsession….so perfect.

🌼how perfectly timed was this!

🌼while i have been patiently watching this one episode a bloody week (and i’m telling you know, it better all make sense in the end or i am going to be SOUR), on the other nights, i have been watching this and it’s actually surprised me and has me hooked…i am sad to see there will be no season 3 though. Boo.

🌼got a last second sweet offer to go to Halifax to see Our Lady Peace & Collective Soul last week!! Sooooo fun. Great company, good food and the concert was fantastic! Yay to live music and road trips!

this was the UH-MAZ-ING breakfast from Pur & Simple!!!

Happy spring to you! I hope you have
flowers in your yard and not too much mud
in your driveway! 🌞

friday i'm in love...

A rainy, wet friday
but I’m ok with that.
I cleaned the house this morning
and now I am in fresh pjs
and a hair mask
and monster slippers
eating cinnamon hearts
and listening to
mumford and sons
while puttering around
at the little blue desk.

I know it’s immature
but I am avoiding the news…
I am scared that my brain
won’t know the difference
between the responsibility of
being informed
and the inability to
claw my way out of the
rabbit hole
a person can easily fall into.

I don’t know what to believe…
I don’t know what is true
and what is blatant speculation
and distraction and lie.
I don’t know enough about anything
to feel informed
and what is informed anyway
if what you are being told is
a slant, an agenda, a motive…

I am tired.

So instead, I put the phone out of my reach
and I watch the chickadees outside my window,
I crunch cinnamon hearts between my teeth.
I listen to songwriters and poets and
the pug snoring on the couch.
I stand on the deck
and feel the misty rain on my face
and I breathe deep.

This.
This is where I am today.

FRIDAY I’M IN LOVE:

💜I absolutely positively fell in love with this house and property and this guy’s mindset.

💜I am hungry for music lately….like literally starving for it. Here is what is on repeat: this one, obsessed with this one, oh….and this one! and thisssssss!

💜I adore the colors in this kitchen…and the whole house really.

💜 cinnamon hearts