counting your heartbeats....

occassionally i get kind of panicky
and think that something might happen
to my husband
and i get short of breath
and sick to my stomach
and the only way i can calm myself down
is to lay my head on his chest
and silently
count his heartbeats...

my best friend told me today about a relative of hers
that went to the doctor for a checkup
and found out she had cancer
all through her
they told her it was too late to do anything
there was no treatment
there was no hope
she is 42

how awful would that be to know that you may only have
days
left to live, to be with the ones you love
and to know that the ones you love are going to be left behind
how would someone deal with that
how would someone cope
i just can't even comprehend

she has a husband and a ten year old son

it certainly made all of my problems annoyances irritations
and concerns
seem totally irrelevant
suddenly i was looking forward to being able to go and strip tiles off the floor...
and suddenly my daughter's recent i'm-trying-to-drive-you-around-the-bend-behavior
didn't seem all that bad...
suddenly
i was just happy that it was a sunny clear day
and that i was here to feel it...
funny how things put other things
into perspective...

i'm going to put my kids to bed
and give them some extra kisses...
and to count my husbands heartbeats

awww...

very earnest five year old:
"are you comin' over to the other side now
cause i'm wonewy"

heh...
(has a little troubles with L sounds)
but that makes it all the more heartbreaking...
going to the "other side"
:)

why today has been a good day...

1. only one of the 5-6 children i look after came today and he is by far one of the easiest
look after AND he doesn't come until 11 am which means...i not only got to go back to
bed for an HOUR after my daughter went to school..but when i got up, i could have a
shower in peace and quiet and not rush...
2. while i was having said nap, my boy was as good as gold and came and laid beside me
and patted my head until i fell asleep and then he stayed there and played in my room
showing me that even though he is five, he still likes to be with me enough that he will
stay and play even though i am asleep and not much company
3. my brother has gone to our new house to continue ripping and tearing things down for
us since we are both working...he didn't have to...he just does that stuff :)
4. there are 3 bottles of diet coke in the fridge
5. i can use as much heat as i want, cause we're leaving anyway in 2 months:)
6. i found some blogs that made me laugh out loud...especially adventures with mr k...