i. hate. decisions.

the happiness
and relief that i felt yesterday
has
been replaced
by feelings of worry
and anxiety
and "am i making the right choice?"
and "can we afford it?"

always followed by
"but can i afford not to, healthwise? mentalwise?"
because my current job is killing me...

all this precipitated by
an innocent comment by my husband...
a slight expression of concern...
"can we do it"
and suddenly,
the floodgates of
anxiety and stress and second-guessing
opened up
and
now,
i am confused.

do i stay or do i go.

monday musings...

good news...
there may be a slight shift in my job
which is going to allow me
less stress
and more time for myself
but is also going to cause me to earn less money,
and limits what else i can do in order to
take in more money.

but in the end, i think it will be worth it
for the "less stress" factor.
and i am hoping it will lead to bigger and better things,
that maybe, this is just the beginning...

also, a close friend of mine
is getting married
:)
yay!
and asked me to be in the wedding
yay!
she wants to use brown eyed susies
as her "theme"
has anyone out there in blog-land
ever been to a wedding with a similar theme
or color scheme?
she is trying to find ideas for table centerpieces
or favors in relation to the flowers...

its a happy sunny sugar-sweet day!

poetry thursday...

Song

I almost went to bed
without remembering
the four white violets
I put in the button hole
of your green sweater

and how I kissed you then
and you kissed me
shy as though I'd
never been your lover.

Leonard Cohen

i have loved leonard
for as long as i can remember...

poetry thursday here

really, i'm not complaining...

i had a great two days...

i spent a lot of fun, quality, giggly time
with my husband and that was great.

i bought some yarn, worked on a baby
blanket and read some of "the mermaid's
chair".

if i didn't feel like cooking, i didn't.

it was great, really.

am i glad that it is over, though,
and my two noisy-mess-makers
will be back in the house today?
i'm counting down the minutes.

i miss them.

bitter-sweet-ness

is the excitement and anticipation
of the fact that someone has
finally
offered to take your kids for
not just one
but two nights...
a two night sleepover
with their aunt whom you totally trust
so you know you can hand
them over willingly
with the promises of "be good"
and "you know you aren't allowed to go anywhere
without an adult...you can't walk to the park
with just your cousin"
and "be good"
and "i love you"
and kisses on the cheek's...

and then off they go.

and suddenly
the house seems deafeningly
silent
even though there are still four children in it
but those
are not
my
four...
not my "six" and my "ten"...
those voices not their voices...
that laughter is not their laughter...

and in the pit of my stomach
i feel an ache
and a sadness
and a loneliness
that i cannot describe
accurately.

no one ever told me
that
it was going to be
like this
forever...