basketcase.


there they stand...
ready to take on the day...
to be cool and have fun and be open
and learn and laugh and make new friends.

what you don't see in this picture
is where their mom stands on the sidewalk,
watching from behind a line of cars to make sure
that she goes into her new junior high school...that she has found her friends,
that she doesn't look upset, that she doesn't look lost.

you don't see the mom standing outside
the grade three door, making sure that he finds his seat,
that he doesn't look sad, that he doesn't glance towards the door,
in expectation of seeing her still there...in expectation of
familiar reassurance.

you don't see the mom get in her quiet car
and silently but surely hyperventilate
in order not to break down and cry...
did she tell her enough, did she warn her about drugs enough,
did she tell her she was not to leave the school yard...
why didn't she work with him more on tying his shoes,
did he have everything he was supposed to have?
did she pack enough in their lunches? we need to buy vitamins.

and drive back to an empty home.

september



september is one of my favorite months...

don't get me wrong,
i mourn the end of summer as much as the next person.

yet i crackle with anticipation
of the routines ahead of me,
schedules and plans,
lists and consistency.

it is the virgo in me, i'm sure.

i gave the house a vigorous housecleaning
on the weekend...
started looking for new things to knit
and have actually picked up the needles again...
i have picked out what book i will begin
reading to the kids for bedtime reading again
(the golden compass, in anticipation of this...)
i am making lists
and menus
and plans...

i do love september.

affairs.

i have fallen in love...
i am smitten
and lost...

i spend my days daydreaming,
doodling, planning and scheming
and yet
feel guilty
and even a little silly.

i am cheating on my house.
i have fallen in love with another.

it is not the house
so much as the area it is in...
hilly and farm-patched...
colors as far as the eye can see.
a beach that is
sublime...
a village full of artists and actors.

sigh.




unintended.

wow.
i have not posted since aug 7....
that was not meant to happen...

and yet...
we had a wedding of someone very close to us
so plenty of planning and decorating
and reminiscing and letting our hair down
and cleaning up and last minute running around
and lots of hugging with a little crying
and a bit of speech writing
with a dash of stress...
and falling asleep in the front seat of the car
waiting for the doorman and bartender
who offered to drive you and your husband home
at 3 am
to save you the cab fare.

and then i haven't been feeling well this week.

but i will leave you with some calming photos
taken from the cottage we were at monday night...
sigh.
deep breath.
relax.



tuesday.

today is damp and dark and cold.
i am slow
and sad
and still stuck in cormac mccarthys world
of destruction and little hope
as i just finished reading the road...

i want to crawl back into bed,
warm and safe
and sleep until my kids get up
and come in to ask me mundane things
like "can we have the pringles for breakfast"
so that i can scoop them in
beside me
and borrow some of their warmth
and optimism.