and the word is....

dare.

i dare.

i dare to put myself out there in 2009.

i dare to step forward.

i dare to open myself to interpretation.

i dare to let go.

this year, i will not only
continue to do the things that i love
but i will also push myself
to take things a step further,
i will dare to book a table to sell cards/crafts/photos,
i will dare to enter a story in a contest,
i will dare to photograph a wedding,
i will dare to show my photos in an exhibit,
i will dare to start a website or etsy shop,
i will dare.
i will put myself out there.

have you found a word of your own?
come on...i double dare ya.

slowly...

i'm still trying to get to the page.

i am catching up on other people's blogs
but finding it hard
to find words for my own.

dark when i leave in the morning,
just turning dark on my way home...
no camera inspiration.

still transitioning i think
into this new job,
the commute, it steals time.

things will fall into place....
i just need to let it happen.

tuned in to myself...

i'm writing morning pages again.

i'm making checklists and
marking things off.

the laundry is caught up to
a manageable amount.

the car is full of gas.

i happened across a sale today
and bought 4 new shirts and an awesome skirt
for under 50 dollars.

my husband is adorable and sweet and
i can't imagine what i would do without him.

the kids are back to school and happy to be so,
though they would rather eat nails
than admit it.

i started reading the tipping point and i LOVE it.
{i finished son of a witch and it was worth reading also}

so far, 2009 is making me very happy.

a better day...

it's a better day...
thinking about the new year
and what i want to achieve...
things like photography
and etsy shops and collaborations
across the miles
cross my mind...
toying with the idea of 365 of something,
just not sure what yet...
i'm coming into 2009 a little slower than usual...
not at my breakneck helterskelter speed...
and i think that's ok...
i'm easing in, i'm thinking about it,
weighing my options...
checking in with myself.

happy new year to you
and thank you for the sweet comments and emails
on my last post...
it really means a lot...
really and truly.

breaking point...

i didn't mean to be gone for so long...
but christmas happened
and so did a bad cold
and then
my uncle died suddenly...

i was supposed to give a reading
today
and as i stood up
and read the first line
about the influence one can have on others
my throat closed over
and i literally
could not
speak.

i stood there
staring at the paper
and willing
the words
to come
out
knowing that if i looked
up into that crowd that is my family
and met my mother's eyes
i would not be able to go on...
i would dissolve.

so i stood
staring at the words
and physically
forcibly
tried to force them
from my throat.

eventually
they came unstuck
and although i wavered
and floundered a bit
i made it to the end.

i have never had that happen before.

my big brash uncle
full of teasing and wheezy laughter...
full of family history and stories
and memories of how it was back then...
driving by to check on my garden,
calling me with tips to keep the birds away
from my new little seeds,
trading secrets
and
plans.

and to see my mom...
so sad.
so
very
sad.

and yet
part of me
still
does not believe...
does not
want
to believe.

and so it goes.
and so it will always go.