my boy with the big brown eyes...


my sister in law left yesterday
after having spent the night with us...
she is heading across canada with her 2 baby twins...
she was just home for a quick visit.

9 is heartbroken...gut wrenchingly heartbroken.
and there is nothing i can do to make it better.

he had to come home from school
because he was so upset....he emailed her this...
this is {9} Hi MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!!
and then this...{in which his plaintive sadness makes me
want to cry every time i read it.}
????why did you not replay from my last message??plese say hi to every one wendi i love you

i feel so tender and bruised when i think of him
being this sad...and that there is nothing i can do
but be here for him and hug him and hold him...
and write this to his aunt, so she has a bit of a
heads up as to what he is thinking...

hi wendi... not sure when you will get this,
i know you guys are pretty busy
with the move and all
hopefully everything is going all right...


i just wanted to let you know ahead of time
that you have left
behind one heartbroken little boy...
he cried countless times last night...
especially at bed time...
after you left, he sat on the chair and sighed

and said "this sucks...everything reminds me of the babies...
that reflection
on the ceiling, cause they loved looking at that...
that chair...cause
that's where a. sat before he left...
even the tv, cause m. watches
tv!"

at bedtime, i laid down beside him
and he cried saying that he couldn't read
his book
because he read it to you...
he couldn't decide what he missed most
about you
but then decided it was your jokes...he said you were pretty funny.

he asked me what i missed most about you.
he was mad that you couldn't
just live here...
he thought that if you would just ask the old man who lives
next door
if you could live in his house, the old man would probably say yes

and then he could see you every day...


he does not
want to cross the bridge to visit you but might...
if that is the only way...


when i told him the hurt would be a little less every day,
he said
"no...the last time she left, it took me like two weeks to get over it"

it started off that it was the babies
he was missing and remembering but
last night, it was all about you...
the light you gave him,
how you looked at
the nightlight with him
(he goes out and turns on the night light every now
and then and does a big sigh...),
his book, the pool (because he said you
loved to swim...)....

loving someone can be so hard.
that is a difficult lesson to learn.
{or to watch somebody you love learn...}

the first session...







these were some of the best shots out of the
total number taken...
i was pretty pleased with how they came out
and have been receiving a fantastic amount
of feedback and interest...

which is both exciting
and
a little scary...

i want to leap into this
but feel little tiny threads of doubt
and worry and areyousureyou'regoodenough?
holding me back...

so far, i feel like i have been snipping away
one thread at a time
taking it slow
free photo sessions,
using a free website template,
careful not to invest too much

but part of me
wants to
break free...
wants to go big...
wants to believe that i could be good at this...
wants to believe in me...

rainy day wednesday...


i survived the photo session
even though it was so cloudy
i thought it might rain...

even though
the cub scouts picked that night
to donate their time and random acts of kindness
by picking up litter in the park
that i planned to do pictures in...

even though
every breath i took made my stomach hurt
and i couldn't find my belt so every time i bent down
it felt like my pants were falling down
and i knew i should have put my hair up
because it was constantly in my eyes...

but all in all, it went well...
i realize i need to provide more direction...
this is going to be a hard part for me...
i am more comfortable in the candid and the unplanned...
but that will not always work.

thanks for your support,
i really, really needed all those little hugs
and gently pushes and whispers of you-can-do-it
and you'll-be-fine...

butterflies in my belly...


tonight i take my first
photos
of people
that are not part of my
family...

and i'm nervous...
sick-to-my-stomach
don't-feel-ready
nervous...

i was going to write about the potato salad
and marinated bbq chicken i am making for supper...
or about the great photos i got on my
5 am sunday morning drive...
or how 13 kicked butt on her band trip
(and i only cried for a moment as she left the driveway
to be gone for two nights this year)

but instead...
i've got butterflies in my belly...