40. forty. 40. forty. 40. forty. 40. forty. 40. forty. 40

first day of school (high school for my new pink haired punk princess} and grade six for her sweet as sugar l'il brother...

so
this is it.

my 40th birthday.
september 8, 2010.
40 years old.

to be honest,
i'm not sure how i feel about it yet.

i think i have written and blogged and talked
and listed and facebooked and analyzed and thought
for so long about turning 40
that now that i am {40}
i am not sure how to feel...

remember i wrote that post a few weeks ago
about thinking life would be different at this stage of my life,
how i thought life would be easier...
and it's not.

well...i'm trying to switch my focus.
so we still owe money.
so the house still needs work.
what has happened? what can i say i have achieved?
what has made me happy?

16 years together with my husband {12 years married later this week}
2 amazingly interesting thoughtful funny eccentric children
we bought a house
my current job which i hope to stay in for a long time
my family, so supportive and funny and sweet
friends from elementary school that really, really know me
new friends made
a photography show
making a go at the photography business and having my 2nd
successful summer of weddings
going to writers workshops, putting myself out there
being interview for a full page in a local paper
getting my driver's license, driving long distances in winter!
surviving going off the road 3 times last winter
blogging for over 5 years now

i'm happy...i really am.
this is my year to focus on what is good in my life
as it becomes aware to me
that everything/one that is good in my life
may not always be here
and i need to grab the moments i can...right now...
and i need to live my life...right now.
no more waiting for the right moment.

i need to start diving in.

so happy 40th birthday to me.
i'm curious to see what the year will bring.

the weekend is over

3 happy things realized on a monday morning 6 am

finding out totally by accident while shooting a wedding that the
flash that you have been using for the past 6 months
and the same flash you just finished complaining about
actually does have a tilt option to it...
you just didn't know it...
and being so excited by this that you grab
a guest at the wedding and share your newfound discovery
with her and she is sweet enough to pretend to care

how much you missed just hanging out with family
after spending the day your parents and having your father
tell you and your sister in law a story about their last trip
and the backyard of the place they were staying that had a pool
and a gazooki? as your father can't remember what it's called
and you assume he means gazebo
but when you ask your mom about the gazooki?
she says
oh yeah....the hot tub.

what.
the hot tub?
{later you realize he meant jacuzzi all along}

money doesn't matter as much as good health does.

A play break...

This summer is passing me by....
I am missing it.
Work, photo sessions, weddings, editing, commuting...
I'm missing summer.

So I think that i am going to take a cue
From madeline bea
This weekend
And make this weekend
All about
Fun.

Maybe movie at a theatre....
Ice cream eaten outside....
Supper on a restaurant deck with my sister in laws....
Watching for fireflies and shooting stars....
This weekend
I am letting go.

And having fun.

Want to join me?

Today's five minutes....

and today, I feel so much better.

I was going to stop by here to apologize for
yesterday's sad and lonely breakdown
but now that I think about it,
I'm glad I talked about it here yesterday...
maybe it was just the release I needed.

So today
even though I was up all night with a power outage
and a freaked out 10 year old
and today is rainy and dark
and I feel a headache coming on,
I still feel better.

Thanks for you comments and emails...
It reminds me why I keep coming back to this page...
Xo

Five minute thoughts at the end of my lunch break....

I thought that as I got closer to 40
things were going to get easier.

I thought I was going to be self assured and confident
strikingly indifferent to what other people thought of me....
I thought that worry and stress and anxiety attacks
were going to melt into my thirtysomething past.

But
I was wrong.

Money is tight, work is uncertain,
14 going on 15 has developed an anxiety issue
so large we have been seeing someone
and had to medicate her...
I don't know what to do anymore...
I am not sure of any choices/decisions/thoughts that I have...

I am second guessing the credibility of my photography...
Second guessing my positioning, my editing, no longer trusting my own opinion of what looks good.

I spend the day feeling like sham,
A wisp of an impression that could blow away
on a breath of wind....
That could topple any second
Silently as a house of cards.