i was this person once...

i read this post today
and i thought
"i was that person once...
what has happened?"

i never take photos anymore,
i don't take my camera anywhere.
i don't read about it, write about it, research it...
i don't daydream about lenses (well...sometimes)
or flashes (again...sometimes) or
sigh...brand new cameras.

i don't know what happened.

or i do know what happened
but i don't want to admit it...
the weddings, the business, the months of editing
have made me happy
but have made me stop picking up the camera
as my outlet.

and that needs to stop.

i need to get back out there
and
just
play.

new mission at the top of the list.

cinnamon heart overdose of truth on a wednesday

it's the day after valentine's day
and i have eaten
so many cinnamon hearts
my mouth is on fire
but yet,
i still can't stop.

i'm a roller coaster
up and down
today...
happy at work
but feeling like a parent
that dropped the ball
on a decision
made
{or not made depending on how you look at it}
3 years ago
coming back to haunt us now

the house is like a train wreck
clutter exploding from it's seams
and i don't have the energy
to even think about it
much less
do
anything about it

so instead
i sit here at the computer
and i daydream about
spring days
as i tell myself it's ok that i made a mistake,
{suck it up buttercup and move on...
its what you do from this point out}
and i eat
the last
of the cinnamon hearts.

proud of me...

this week i have been to the gym everyday but one
and on that one
i was taking a yoga class
for the first time in a couple of years
and it was
so
awesome.

i have been eating healthier
{and less}
and drinking more water...
i feel pretty damn good.

now i just have to keep this momentum going.

a saturday in february

it is a sunshiney but brisk saturday morning
and the house is so quiet
sleepover kids out cold on the couches
16 watching movies in her room
the sun is streaming in the windows
making me want to grab my camera,
my pen, some paint, something, something,
something to document how i feel at this very second.

and i am aware of the many things running through my head
i am trying to take note of the things
that me feel excited, that make me feel fresh and invigorated
and inspired
so that i can use them as a jumping point for what i want
2012 to look like for me.

i'm still grappling with what my word for this year should be.

2011 i didn't choose a word, i think i was just trying to get through the year...
2010 was play::expand
2009 was dare...and this was one of my biggest years for creativity...it was the year
i started really taking pictures, had an art show, shot my first wedding, created a website,
baked an apple pie...:)
2008 was focus...because i knew there were things i wanted, things i needed to be
doing to be happier...i just had to find my focus.

but this year?
i think this year is

leap

i thought about yes, i thought about jump
but leap feels right to me.
in a way, i have rested the past two years....yes, i was creative
and i did a lot of weddings and family sessions and that kind of thing
but i played it safe....i did what i already knew how to do...
i did what had worked for me in the past.

but this year...i want to leap.
i want to push myself,
SHOVE myself out of the comfort-zone-nest i have gotten so familiar with
and
LEAP.

so i said yes to the new job...and i said yes to joining the gym although it terrifies me...
and yes...maybe we should think about building a house on our back lot and selling it...yes...
leap...
and see what happens.

i am reading...

have you seen this trailer?

i saw the trailer
and then stopped by the bookstore
when i should
have been getting groceries
and the book
was there
in front of me
for 9.99

yeah.
its a kids book but so what,
i've got kids.
maybe they'll read it.
or maybe i'll start it saturday morning
while i'm still
laying in bed
in my underwear
waiting for the house to heat up
and maybe
just maybe...
3 hours later
i'm in the same place
on the last ten pages
begging the kids to stop interrupting
because "I ONLY HAVE THIS MUCH LEFT
AND I HAVE TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS!!!"

maybe.
{and maybe, i just bought the second book in the series.}