little bits of sweetness at 6 am

• a belated birthday supper with 2 of my bestest friends that i have known since grade one...
• the feeling of sinking into a routine...comforting and warm and reliable
• S is doing so much better every day...each leg getting a little bit stronger...
• sliced cucumber in a bowl sprinkled with salt and a pepper with a squirt of lemon juice
• watching the middle and modern family again and the fact that 12-almost-13 still wants to do that with us
• 12-almost-13's magic trick with a paper bag and a ball made of air
• 17 settling in to a new school year even without her best friend there (he graduated the year before) and the rekindling of one of her childhood friendships...she seems happy and i love to see her happy.
• being able to find a little time to get here again....
• fall.  crisp leaves and flocks of geese flying outside my window...3 V formations mixing together to form one...

getting back in the groove

i am trying to get back here.
i think about it at least once a day
but with a full time job
and over 14000 wedding photos in the editing queue...
dr appointments up the yingyang
a house that needs cleaning
kitty litter that needs emptying
a partial marathon to start training for
and two kids to spend time with
things
are
stretched
pretty
thin...

so i am going to try to ease back in
with a picture here
and there
and maybe
a smattering of words.

that is my plan.

i don't think

i have ever gone this long
without a post of some kind...

but this summer has come and gone
in the blink of an eye
and sometimes i am stunned that we all made it through
somewhat
unscathed.

S is doing better...
so much better!
he came home from the hospital on August 13
(the accident was June 29)
and has slowly been able to do more and more.
his right knee may never be the same
but that is a small price to pay
compared to what
could
have
been.

and life rolled on, mercilessly at times, it seemed.

i had to put down our 13 year old dog.
the cat had fleas.
my camera broke...literally died...right in the middle of a wedding
i was shooting.

but we are still here.
and he is home
where he should be.
and every night, i climb into that bed
in the room with the unfinished trim
and the piles of clothes still teerering around us
waiting for me to find the time to put them away
and i breathe a sigh of releif
and gratefullness for the fact that he is here beside me.

where did i begin...inner excavation

where did i begin
     {you will ask me}
once
i began
     {i will tell you}
and still...i begin
     {backwards and forwards
          and all over again}

i begin with a spool of thread, old windows and faded coloring books,
     elmer's glue in pale sticky yellow with a scissor slit cut in the rubbery red top...
with big blue vans and fields of green against red earthy browns
     straight lines plowed hard in the dirt
          mud pies and dirty knees...
i begin with the scent of
     tiny wild strawberries crushed against
          my fingertips, stained red.....
and the expanse of summer, hazy shimmering blue and gold
      laying before me
with the sweet smell of clover in my hair
     and fireflies in my eyes....

i begin again, in starts and stops
     sudden wonder and paralyzing fear
one step forward
     a half shuffle back...

and sometimes
     i begin
          by just standing perfectly still
                and counting the infinite stars
                       in a world beyond me.


a prompt from the inner excavation book i have been doing....along with this read-along....i am so painfully behind...but it's ok...

the sun shines on...

so it's been 22 days since
his accident
and things are progressing well...
he has been out of province
and had his 3rd surgery,
the big one,
and now he is back here
in a hospital
only 45 minutes away from us
which is so much easier...
and comforting.
and at the same time...
i am constantly aware
of what could have been...

it blows my mind
to think that i could have lost you
that easily
that quickly
that you could have died
alone
in that field
while i laid at home in bed...
our bed...
waiting for you...
mad
at you
it blows my mind.