stream of conciousness

i attended the first of hopefully many sessions with a new writing group
and
i
was
so
excited....
even though i had a pounding headache
and
a 45 minute drive both ways

it was still amazing.

you know that feeling when you feel "got" by other people.

i had that feeling.

one of the exercises was stream of consciousness using a single word
given to you by the person on your right...
with a one minute time limit.

mine was steady.

"Do you want to go steady?" she said.
I turned towards her with surprise on my face.
"Steady?" I said.  "Steady as in date exclusively,
as in you will be my one and only,
my shot in the dark, my penguin?  Steady?
Do penguins go steady do you think?  I wish
I knew more about the mating habits of penguins..."
I looked at her.
She looked away.
"Never mind", she said.

synopsis

WATCHING:  Vampire Diaries...well...listening to it while editing wedding photos

READING:  Game of Thrones...book 3...Storm of Swords...sooooooo good.
                    i have seriously had my jaw drop while reading it in the lunchroom.

EATING:   skittles in the red bag only.  diet coke in a can.  chicken stew.  shepherd's pie.

LISTENING:  nothing.  i need some recommendations.

DAYDREAMING:  about getting organized.  finding time for me again.

COVETING:  coffee tables, gray sweaters, a new house

sunday and i am in love...

~the sound of the dryer...13 playing with the cat...S watching a movie

~the way the afternoon sun shines through the bamboo blinds leaving patterns
on the orange and yellow walls

~french vanilla cappuccino

~deep browns, dark oranges, butter yellow

~new christmas scrapbook paper

~thinking about taking a long hot bath...candles...

~an invitation to join a writing group...and a strong spark of excitement
that i have not felt in a long time.

here.

i am trying to ground myself this morning
on a dark, rainy saturday
where the house is messy
and the dishes are cluttered and undone.
bagpipe christmas music playing
to try to calm my fraying nerves.
last minute editing knowing that i won't have time later
as my boy is in the Christmas parade 45 minutes away
and we try to shop for Christmas
but my heart just isn't in it yet.

i feel like there is too much going
so many loose ends flapping around in the wind...
weddings not done yet,
money coming in but never enough...
i feel like everything is blowing around
and
i can't
catch it
all
and hold it
at once...
i grasp bits and pieces
but enough
to make the picture whole
for more than a moment or two.

i won that spot in the photography course
but can't even find time to read the information
much less get near my camera.

i'm running on empty.

hyperventilating and trying to remind myself to calm the fuck down.

things are getting better, things are getting better, things are getting better...
but sometimes i think maybe that is the irony in it all,
things are getting better and then i start worrying about the things that are
no longer in my control...S can drive now, i should be happy
but i worry about him out on his own, what if someone comes too close
and hits his cane, his leg is still so fragile and unstable...
i worry and i worry and i worry.

i need to let go.
chill out.
calm down.

it will all come together.  you just had a busy week and now things have fallen behind.
when the house is cluttered, you get stressed...that is all that this is.

wow.
this is not what i meant to write here today.
but part of me thinks that if i don't start just coming here
and writing...it will never happen.
and i feel better now.
:)