grounded

i am sensing a theme
today
showing up
happenstance
through my day
calling to me,
waiting for me to notice that it has been following me like a shadow
if i would just
pay
attention.

and oddly enough,
that's what it is...
it feels like something is trying to tell me
to slow down,
to pay attention.
to stop rushing the day by, the hours by, the seconds by...
{they will go by fast enough on their own}.

i woke up this morning to snow
so heavy on the tree branches
and a muffled almost silent world,
everything tinged blue.

and even though my normal routine is to rush, rush, rush out the door
this morning
i had to stop
and get my camera and
document the wonderment of this sudden silent snowfall.

typical rotten monday things happened
but then i came home and this was in my inbox

i went to yoga
and the instructor told us about breathing
about slowing down
about grounding yourself
and, although i am sure she tells us that every time,
this time,
i seemed to really hear it.

i came home and ate a salad slowly
by myself
without the tv on
only music in the background
and a little bit of lamplight...

i stopped in to lose myself
for a moment
in the vast internet
and opened a page to read this and
almost looked over my shoulder to see if
someone was stalking me, following me, waiting for me
to finally
get
it.

and i love, love, love what she says
about her yoga instructor
who said
"forget next and remember now".

forget next and remember now.

sunday and i am lost again....

lost again in other people's words
and other people's photos
other people's art
other people's ideas
and why can't i stop
my own brain from whirring like a top
spinning like race car tires
stuck in slush and mediocrity.
and snap into focus
my own god damned life.

what am i doing?

i think i am filling the well
(i tell myself this...i promise it to me)
but really
i think i am procrastinating
i am afraid
i have lost my confidence
i have lost my brave
{before i even owned, i lost it}

so i make myself come to the page
and just write.
don't censor.
don't fear.
just write.
{i fear sometimes that i am losing my voice...
i fear sometimes that when i find it again, i won't even recognize it,
was it ever mine?}

i know if i look back on this blog,
i will see a sad refrain.
full of can i?  can i?
where is the i can.
but instead i whimper and sigh
and feel i don't have enough time
but really, i have all the time in the world
what i am lacking
is
beleif
in
myself.

little bits of saturday sweetness and strains of melancholy

today i slept in...
late.

really late.

and i can't seem to shake this melancholy feeling
of just letting the day
pass me by
while listening to
this {i will never tire of damian rice)
and
eating cold cereal

{remembering mismatched dreams of fighting and fears
and unexpected flashes of tenderness...}

i have to go to yoga in an hour
and out to supper in two hours

i just can't seem to get myself going.

instead i get lost in videos like this
soulpancake ball pit on the street
and wonder what my answers would be,
if i had the courage to get in the pit in the first place.

and absorbed in freckles

and wishing i had time to go find the canada geese

i'm a little lost today.
quiet and quiet...inside and out.

wordless wednesday....

monday musings

an blurb from morning pages: 

The girl with the butterfly brown eyes stood with her back against the wall.
Silent and still, only her eyelashes fluttered as she looked down at her bare feet. 
Pudgy toes and a fallen instep.  White baby doll dress with frills and lace, bare legs,
black hair, biting her bottom lip.

I remember her then.  So different from the woman I know now.
Though she still want me to call her girl. 
She still bites her bottom lip.

If I could turn back time...I thought....would I? 

Would I go back there? Would she?  Who would ever know.
It can't be done anymore than the damage can be undone.  I shook my head and let it go.
Move on, I told myself, move on, people...nothing more to see here.
Just some broken glass and shards of heart and maybe an owed apology or two.