it's a brand new year...

hello 2015

i have been waiting for you
with bated breath
and avid anticipation.

2014 kind of hurt my feelings a little
on the way out...
made me question my parenting skills,
made me question how other people view me
as a parent,
as a person,
as a friend.

Made me wonder why i care so much.
Made me wish i could just let it roll off me like
drops of water,
inconsequential.
Why i couldn't listen to the advice
i would have given my own kids in this situation...
you can't please everyone,
listen to your heart,
trust your intution,
let it go,
move on.

but instead
i have been letting off-hand remarks
fester like open wounds,
re-running imaginary conversations in my head.
here's what i would say
if i ever said anything
but we all know that i won't
cause that's not what i do.

instead,
i have imaginary conversations in my head
of what i would like to say
but on the outside
i remain civil and barely smiling
{but enough to say that i smiled...}

so, hello 2015.
i am happy to see you.
i am going to let these bad feelings fade out with
2014
and i am going to sit down tomorrow with paper & a pen
and this year, i am going to pay attention to me again.
i am going to check in with myself...
cause i think i may have forgotten to do that in the last little bit of 2014.


now.
to pick my word for 2015.
a ritual that always makes me happy.
stay tuned!
:)

i am not a juggler

yesterday i felt like hell.

15 had a toothache...turned into a root canal...
worried about how school is going for him,
behind on the photo editing
constant emails from people wondering about
scheduling a session or when will photos be done...
tired all the time...busy at work with my "real" job,
full to the brim with guilt and never-ending-nagging feelings
that i am falling behind
and i cannot catch up.

and then
i went to parent teacher interviews for 15
and they could not say any more nice things about him
if they tried...
he is funny, he is kind, he is doing ok socially,
polite, well spoken, no bad attitude, no trouble at all in class...
lack a little focus "but no more than all teenage boys do".
when i mentioned how the guidance counselor in his junior high
suggested VERY STRONGLY that he may ADHD (& yet, kept calling him by the wrong name)
the teacher that has him for 3 hours straight every morning,
5 days a week, said he just didn't see that in him...at all...not even a little.

i felt like a weight of 6000 lbs was lifted from my heart.

i felt like people were actually really seeing him this year.
they were getting to know him.  they know he is unorganized....
they are working with him on that without tearing him down on a daily basis for it.
they encourage him and they see the good parts of him.
the parts of him that i see every day.

and it changed my whole outlook to hear that....
i came home and shared every little bit of it with him
including how when he was absent for the root canal
his teacher told me the other kids in the class kept saying
"it's not the same...15 is not here...."

:) :) :)

things i have learned...in bullet form

• i am not a spa person.  i love the idea of a massage...but i don't like to be touched...and i don't like having to take my clothes off.  i booked a "hot stone massage" envisioning that a) only my back would have to be bare and b) they would lay a large flat heated stone on my back.  i was so wrong.  i was a little stressed out before i got to the spa but when i was taken to a small room and asked to "remove all my clothes" and put on the white robe....i almost left.  i seriously did not know what to do...i knew that this was totally out of my comfort zone and was NOT going to be the relaxing scenario i had pictured in my head.  and...just so you know...i left my underwear on. total removal of all clothing was NOT going to happen.  then i had to go sit in the lounge again...naked! well...under a robe...but still...some poor woman came in and sat down.  i randomly blurted out (without making eye contact with her) (or saying hello) "GETTING A MASSAGE HAS TURNED OUT TO BE THE MOST STRESSFUL THING I HAVE ENDURED!".  she also did not make eye contact.  {now...i should tell you here that once i resigned myself to the fact that i was there and on the table and this was happening and i may as well let myself enjoy it...i did....especially when i realized that key parts of my anatomy remained covered by the blanket for the duration...that helped as well}  but still...not a spa girl.  too stressful.
• i had also booked a manicure (it was a package).  God help that poor girl that got assigned for both my massage & manicure.  first i was a bundle of stressed out frayed nerves during the massage...and then the manicure ruined me.  i am not a person that is good with making choices under pressure (and by pressure, i mean being asked by someone i don't know...)  this is why i avoid places like Subway...so many questions!  what kind of sub do you want, what kind of bread do you want, do you want cheese, do you want it heated, what veggies, what condiments, are you getting the cookie...jesus christ...i am a stressed out ball of sweat by the time i get to the end of that line and not even hungry anymore.  the manicure turned out to be a similar situation...starting with choosing the color...so many choices!  all pretty!  and someone standing next to me waiting for me to make a decision which totally derails me.  Plus I overthink things.  So I am standing there trying to make a quick decision so this girl can move on with her life and stop having to deal with me and i start thinking well...what if I don't like getting a manicure and don't want to do it again (which is likely) maybe i should get a color that requires little to no maintenance...but i like the pink!...but what do i normally wear for clothes...and is pink too young...is red too old...what is going to show less chips...ohmygod make a decision...and the poor young girl is trying to help me...by asking me more questions which is only stressing me out more...finally i pick some beige skin colored polish and i realize as soon as we start the manicure that i hate it (no offense to the girl doing it or to anyone that likes them...they are just not for me)  i hate sitting that long, i hate someone touching my hands that long, i hate the waiting, i hate the drying, i hate that i have to be careful after....i think i kind of suck at being a girl...:)
• today i took a long drive looking at the fall colors, drinking a maple mocha and eating gingersnaps, listening to radiohead, singing at the top of my lungs, stopping to take photos with my cell phone whenever i felt like it.  and i came home more relaxed than ever.  :)
  
  
  

Back in the saddle

posting from my phone
on a half hour lunch...
is a sad show of desperation,
a blatant proof that I am lacking time
for me
anymore.

and I miss it.
I miss it.

snapping instagrams of my feet
as I scurry through the work parking lot

something has to give....
I have to let go of something
to make more room for me....

friday the 13th

friday june 13th, to be exact.

june 13 will always hold a special place in my heart
but when june 13 falls on a friday,
my heart makes this squelchy, squeaky kind of sigh...
a happy/sad sigh.

june 13 makes me think of
birthday parties and sleepovers and bikes with banana seats...
popcorn and tents in the backyard
and melty butter
and plenty of salt...
washed down with purple or green kool aid
poured from the beige Tupperware pitcher,
you know the one,
with the push button cover....
the same one we once tried to mix kool aid and vodka in
until we realized at the
very
last
second
that it was turpentine
in a tiny vodka bottle...
we had to throw away the jug in order to hide the evidence.

june 13 on a friday
makes me think of how the birthday girl
loved horror movies
(i myself hated them and was totally a chicken about them,
even though I was the older one...instead i would constantly
crack jokes to keep myself from crying...look i am going to
beat you with the stump of my bloody arm!)...
and what better way to celebrate your birthday than to
have a Friday the 13th movie marathon
on the new VCR,
the one that came with a wired remote control...

i think about summer days spent at union corner beach
climbing on the rocks
until we literally couldn't go any further,
the bottoms of our bare feet tough from never wearing shoes...
of swinging as high as we could on the metal swing set,
that was the best swing set ever.
my dad would always come by and say we were going too high.

purple rain and bon jovi videos,
livin' on a prayer...
i don't know why she swallowed a fly, i guess she'll...
the cult and she sells sanctuary...
secrets and cherry pepsi and sharing a set of headphones
in the backseat of a chevette
after we bought the new madonna tape in moncton...
papa don't preach....

how you always laughed so easy,
i thought i must have been the funniest girl in the world...
the time i made you laugh at mcdonalds,
remember...the night of the canada day fireworks
and we were talking to Richard Brooks...
and i made you laugh
and you choked on your pop
and threw up.

then you went in the bathroom and wouldn't come out
until i told you that the old lady at the next table was
yelling at Richard for making you throw up
which made you laugh
and so you came out and i put you in a hug/headlock
and we snuck out the side door
giggling at the perplexed look on Richard's face.

barbies in masking tape bathing suits,
pretending we were dentists and making my little brother
wear wet-toilet-paper braces...
little people mansions built in the nightstands by your bed...
the easter that it stormed and the power went out
and your family was storm-stayed at my house
and we each wore one of my rainbow striped roller skates
and skated back and forth from the bathroom
to my bedroom.

the first time i went on a date,
i made you come with me.

there are so many things that make me think of you.
in a happy/sad way.
we were going to buy fieros (red for you, purple for me)
and move to new york
and live across the street from each other...
you in your red house, me in my purple house.

i try not to think about the times that we argued,
the times that i was mean to you...
i try not to think about the night i knew i would never see you again.

happy birthday, rockin' robbie piper,
come and see me sometime...
i'll be watching for you.
xo