post-covid-brain

i feel stunned…
literally.
Like my brain is
working
in slow motion.

I feel like I am
in this weird state
of hyper awareness…
every breath I take
feels like a thought
to be considered…
my movements feel
measured and
careful,
like I am
thinking
too hard about everything
that I am doing
instead of just letting it
happen naturally…

It’s a weird feeling…
a feeling of being suspended.
I’m not tired
but I want to sleep
this feeling away…
I want to wake up
and feel sharp and alive…

It’s a weird feeling.

a slightly broken brain...and bit of honesty (& a very long post)

A couple of weeks ago,
I was given the opportunity
by a sweet, kind friend
to attend a photography week long experience
that I have always coveted
going to but honestly never
expected to be able to go.

When asked if I would like to attend
Dave Brosha’s Land & See
in my friend’s place…
well…honestly…I hesitated
pretty hard.
And that is a little odd for me.
I tend to be the girl that
says yes to things that
scare me
without really thinking
of the consequences
until usually moments before
I find myself doing something
that scares me.

But something was different this time.
I was really hesitant, nervous, scared, holding back.

But, in the end, I went.

I am not going to lie.
The first few days were hard.
Hard. I was so incredibly out of my comfort zone
in a million little ways…
a large group of people
which I automatically know I don’t do well with
because I am introverted and shy…
a great deal of very expensive equipment
which made me mad at myself for feeling
inadequate but yet felt inadequate all the same…
a lot of technical talk…f stops and shutter speeds
and ISO and apertures….which is kinda like
math for me….I can get the answer but only
on my own. If there is anyone else around,
my stupid brain automatically erases anything I knew
and giggles when I stutter…..

I would be lying if I said
the second day was better…
in fact, I stayed home the 3rd day.
But I did go back the 4th day
and the last day,
I finally relaxed.
I talked to people.
I laughed.
I loosened up just a little bit.
And I even stayed for the supper
that, had you asked me on Monday,
I would never have dreamt I would stay for…
(my brain also makes fun of me
when I eat in front of other people…)

NOW THE GOOD STUFF:

Because there was SO much good stuff.
Dave and Erin were so incredibly welcoming and friendly and fun.
The location was a beautiful old barn and the property was lovely.
The speakers were out of this frigging world awesome….
I mean seriously.
Mountain climbers, portraits, b&w, pets, adventure, editing, self portraits, families, film
so much goodness.
And everyone was so kind and sharing and down to earth…
The models were all so gracious and sweet and talented.
The meal was amazing.

The speakers were all amazing and inspirational in
sooooo many ways but I felt a real connection with
one of the presenters who does the most out of this
WORLD self portraits…she talked about using flickr
in the beginning which immediately caught my
attention because I used that too in the beginning….
and it reminded me of how fun the “beginning” was.

I pushed myself out of my comfort zone
to talk to her and I am so happy that I did.
And at the end of the week, before I left,
I stopped to say good bye to her and her equally amazing partner
and she said “we saw you opening up and talking
to people…..and we were so proud of you.”
♥♥♥

It is a funny thing
to feel that you are unseen,
blendable, camoflaged in your quietness
and then to feel
seen.

I can’t explain it.
But it’s a hell of a good feeling.

And I realize now,
though I refused to see it at the time,
that I was likely not the
only “new” person there,
not the only person that felt
a little awkward and shy and inadequate
(by our own standards).

Hindsight is 20/20.

All in all, I am soooooo glad that
my kind friend allowed me to take his place for this
and that he kind of pushed me to go
when I was hesitant.
And if you have a chance to try something
like this, say yes.
Even if it scares you a little…or a lot.
It will be worth it in the end.

I am going to share some of the photos
I took during the “exercises”.
I will preface this with that I am “ok”
with how these turn out but not really “happy”
I am cutting myself some slack though.
I know my limitations.
I know that it is not in my nature
to participate closely in a group activity…
I am better on the sidelines…from a distance…
behind a tree….haha. I let my brain tell me
that I shouldn’t be there. And I listened.
It is what it is.

:)

And one last thing…
when I am out of my element with people,
I nervous-doodle…
usually geeky little self portraits
to make myself feel
less…..alone.
Heh.

Thanks for sticking with me
through all my weirdness.
♥♥♥

sticking close to home

today I tried to
stick close to home
for once...

if you know me,
you know I like roam,
to explore,
random long drives
to nowhere places...

but I have a couple of "big"
weekends coming up,
so I am sticking close to home.

which is harder than I expected.
:)

i did try the Willow Bakery though
in Kensington and it was
SO good…
i had sin bar…and the cupcake
which was totally pretty
until i mauled it. :)

and i tried a new to me trail
which always makes
me happy….

all in all,
a very good saturday!

hope yours was great, too!
♥

friday i'm in love

sometimes
when the house
is all clean
and smells like
pinesol
and just lit candles
and i am walking barefoot
across a
freshly scrubbed floor
in the lightest, loosest dress i own
i feel
completely content.

i don’t need a lot
to make me happy
and everything
that i need,
i have…
i am content.

i hope that you
are finding little things
to make you happy
today as well…♥♥♥

THINGS I AM LOVING RIGHT NOW:

♥ it’s been a while
since i watched a movie that
made me feel this good…
it was just exactly what i need.
the reviews were not great
but i prefer to set my standards.

♥ my hammock

♥ family time with lots of laughs…
and s’mores :)

♥ walks that include
ice cream, polka dots and
sparkly shoes…

friday i'm in love...

It’s a funny kinda friday…
a little dark, a little gloomy…
sorta stressy
with the whole no debit/credit
thing, not that it really affects me
directly at the moment
but my brain
gets all
this is how the end of the world happens
and wondering if the conspiracy
theorists know more than
given credit for
and then I fall down in that
little bit of a fear spiral
sooooooooo
I have just put on my smurf pjs
and am going to
hunker down with a
cold can of diet coke
and maybe get lost
in a movie for a bit…

How’s your Friday going?

THINGS I AM LOVING ON A FRIDAY:

♥ give yourself permission to be creative
♥ i heart roald dahl
♥ wild horses….oh my heart….
♥ i love this!
♥ if you are like me & perpetually undecided….