funny how little it takes to change your mindset (also....cursing ahead, sorry mom)

It’s funny how little it takes to
rearrange your mindset sometimes
and turn what started as an icky day
into a fantastic day…

I felt a little sad this morning
thinking about made up malarkey holidays
and more because sometimes I am shocked
that I have gone this long
alone
since my marriage ended and for a moment,
I will admit I was a bit sad,
a little bit what is wrong with me
am I broken and if so, how broken am I…
and also….will I ever be fixed?

and then I thought of the last couple of years
of marriage where I started to think that I was
literally going crazy, wondering if I was losing my mind,
checking his phone, wondering if he was really where he said he was,
second guessing him, second and triple and quadruple guessing myself…
only to find out in the end my suspicions were
actually right…
I can’t tell explain the hell that is.
To wonder all the time. To not know what is real,
what is true, what is honest, your gut screaming at you to see the truth
but your heart covering your eyes and saying
look away…you don’t want to see this.
you know it’s true but you don’t want to know it.

and then you do.
you know it.
and you can never un-know it.

and once I remembered what that felt like…
I was like…
fuck that. :)

I am soooooo incredibly happy on my own.
That’s not broken. That’s healing.
That’s growth. That’s fucking powerful and electric and
full on laugh out loud joy and security in myself.

I spent about 5 years writing
I just want to be
truly happy and secure
in my journal.

and the truth is
now
I am.

(And this is, in no way, a slight or attack on my ex husband.
The fact that he cheated is not a secret.
There is no one that could be angrier at him than he is
at himself for what he did. This is not about what he did,
this is only to say how I felt…those are 2 different things, I believe.)

All this is to say that after I had that
magical little shift of mindset,
I saw an eagle circling right above my house.
I made chicken breasts with lots of brown sugar and pepper
and a delicious salad for supper and
watch rom-coms turned really loud just how I like them.
I had bubble gum pop shoppe pop.
I ordered new pjs and socks.
I went to the mall and
was my own frigging valentine… ♥

and then my sweet girl
surprised me with an awesome present
with unicorn face masks and chicken bones and
toys and cinnamon hearts!!!

and then I came here
and saw I HAVE 3 COMMENTS ON
YESTERDAY’S BLOG POST!!!!

What a frigging great day!!!!! ♥

Wherever you are, I hope you are having a great frigging day, too.
And if you are with someone you love, make sure they know it…
that they feel secure and happy….cause….that’s important, I think.

whatcha readin - 2023 {goal 40::book 1}

I just realized that I chose
to go with 40 books for a goal this year.
40.
FORTY.
And we are mid February and I have finished
1.
One book.

I blame Frankenstein.

I hated this book
with every fiber of my being.
It was boring and annoying
and blah and boring and
ohmygawd it was SO bloody boring…
actually….
not even bloody, not scary…
just
boring.

So anyway…I finished it
and I read a classic this year
which I had planned to read more of
but now I’m not so sure.
Heh.

Frigging Frankenstein.

0 ♥ out of 5 ♥
that’s how much I hated this book.

*Normally I would tell you what’s up next
but I am currently reading 3 books so I’m not sure
which one will finish first…. :)

thinking out loud...looking for balance

Happy Saturday morning.

It’s been a sweet, quiet start to the day
for me…
just the way I like it.

I feel like this post
is going to be all over the place
as my brain feels a little scattered today,
jumping from one thought
to another,
with very little cohesiveness holding it all together.

Bear with me.

I had my tarot cards read last week
(seriously, if you haven’t done this,
go see this girl…so worth it!)
and she hit on a few things that resonated with me…
she said that balance seemed to be showing up
as a predominant theme in my cards.
This is true.
And she brought up creativity, the desire to
do more in this area of my life, the struggle
to not only make the time for it
but to also
let myself go…
to take myself seriously, to really sink into something.

My nature seems to be to
skim of the surface of things
but when they start to really work,
abandon them and move on to something else.
Part of me would write it off to an attention issue…
a scattery brain, all over the map
but I also know that part of it is fear.
If I take it seriously, then failure is a possibility.
If I say I am just “playing” then I have no accountability….
no expectation…it also soothes the side of me
that struggles with “who do you think you are?
what makes you think you can do this?
You doodle. You play. Grow up. This is not for you.”

This has been a common strategy in
more than one area in my life.
And I know it. I accept it even.
Hell. I embrace it.

Anyway, this is all to say that between
the messages I heard in the tarot cards,
and the fact that I have gotten some of the bigger “grown up things”
sorted out paired with the happiness of the days
slowly getting longer,
all of this makes me feel
ready to dive back into
the creative side…however that decides to show up…
and to make time for it, find that balance,
give it space to be serious if it wants…
but still fun.

I hope this sunny Saturday finds you
happy and content…
♥

friday i'm in love...the late edition....

I am actually writing this
on Saturday
but it was still stuff I loved on Friday
so…..
semantics. Heh.

The sun is shining
and the house is warm and clean.
The dryer won’t be here until Feb 8th
so I have been using dryer rack
and it’s been working ok…
just hard to get used to.

And right now I am burning
a candle called “fresh cut grass”
while I have a Christmas scent in the burner
so the house seems slightly conflicted & confused
but smells good. Heh.

FRIDAY I’M IN LOVE:

♥ I love how the late-day light comes in this window…
I spent some time here yesterday doodling and planning
and feeling pretty happy.

♥ I wanna build a greenhouse. This just reinforces
the fact that I need to BUY TOOLS.

♥ This. Oh my breaking heart. This.

♥ 12000 pressed leaves. Magical.

♥ In 2020, I read a book called
"Buy Yourself the Effing Lilies” and
loved it so hard. Tara Schuster has a new book
coming out and I happened to get in the opportunity
she shared to be a glow-getter for the new book coming
"Glow in the Effing Dark” (Release date: Feb 28)
This not only got me an advance copy but also
a part of a network of other people who are incredibly
excited and fan-girling about this book and the author…heehee.
I was pretty frigging excited to be a part of this and can’t wait to read it!!

♥ my January IPSY bag. These always make me happy.

I hope this weekend finds you as
happy and relaxed as this guy is
when he is being cuddled….
just don’t drool like he does
if you can help it.
:)

spinning my tires....and a tiny peek into how my brain actually operates...

I am feeling a little…
indecisive
lately
which is bad timing
because I also feel like
I have a lot of decisions
to make right now…

and I feel like
I’m spinning my wheels
on ice
and not really
getting any traction….
just a lot of noise & slush kicking up.

And it feels like
each of these
decisions
seem to domino affect
another decision or
create another thing to think about.

Here’s a small sampling of the
chaotic mess happening on repeat in my brain
since my dryer broke:

I could get it fixed…
is it worth getting it fixed, it’s second hand to start with…
could if I fix it myself,
I watched some youtube videos…
I just need a multimeter maybe…and possibly a screwdriver…
but then I need whatever part/fuse it is if that’s even what’s wrong.
I could get a new dryer but if the
dryer vent needs to be cleaned & that’s what broke this dryer
then I need to do that first
unless I clean it myself (which has now been ruled out) OR
I could get a ventless dryer because then
I don’t have to worry about cleaning vent AND
it will fit into that tight space I am working with
but it is more expensive and doesn’t hold as much clothes
(do I need it to hold much…I mean eventually it will just be me here)
(which then causes momentary existential panic
about how I might always be alone and makes me
wonder if I should be taking dating more seriously again
but do I really want to date and how do I fit someone into my life
after this long and mostly I think I’m happy but do I just think
I’m happy cause that’s easier then letting anyone else in
and creates a whole new set of dilemmas)
OR i could get a new washer and dryer for about the same price
as the ventless dryer (but get the vent cleaned first)
and also I think I might need a plumber to tell me
why the sink gurgles when the washer drains
so maybe I should just get a new dryer for now
but should I get a ventless one or maybe
I can just fix my dryer.

but if I get a new washer/dryer,
maybe I should just bite the bullet and get a stove too
(cause, you know, oven pliers)
and if I did that, I should replace the counter top
with a butcher block like I saw on the youtube video,
that didn’t look hard, I just need a saw…and some glue…
but then that would mean the backsplash too
and the sink should be replaced…
and that makes me think of the gurgle again…
and plumbers and maybe I should get a heat pump…

OR maybe I should just get a clothesline.

true story. :)