thinking thoughts out loud...as i often do

I just renewed this website
and the cost was higher than I had intended
(my fault for not paying attention)
so now I feel like I better start using it
to make good on the extra money I accidentally put into it.

But also the brighter longer days
are making me dizzy with
excitement…there are so many things
I want to do…
so many things that I struggle to focus
on just one thing
to settle down on doing…
and instead I make list after list
of what I could be doing
instead of actually doing anything….

But….baby steps. :)

I have been writing this blog for a long time.
I don’t really do it for any reason other than
as a way to document my life for me…
it’s a way to push myself to do things…
to find ways to be creative.
I am not going to be famous….I don’t need a huge readership…
I am not looking for likes or follows or shares but I do love the
connections it occasionally brings me.
I just want to be able to look back and smile
and think
oh….I remember that day.

I remember feeling that way.

I remember doing/making/seeing/hearing/eating that. :)

All that said,
I am going to come here more often….
and I am going to use this to push myself
to not just make the lists
but actually COMPLETE something on said list.

I’d love it if you come along for the journey
but only if you wanna.
If this kinda thing feels cringey to you…
selfies and affirmations and slightly sad attempts
at poetry and lopsided sketches
and a multitude of photos of candy, ice cream and doughnuts
then….
you might want to avoid this page.
And I’ll totally understand. Heh.
♥

But it’s about to get messy.
And real. But fun.
Cause at 52, I can’t keep worrying what
other people think….
I started life as the “weird” kid in class,
I may as well keep going. Consistency is key.
:)

friday i'm in love....a snow-stormy edition

it’s messy mix of winter here today…
and i am embracing it
completely…
warm, cozy pjs,
hot chocolate,
maybe a hot bath,
storm chips on standby,
a half finished book
ready to be read
while tucked in with a
knit blanket, a pug and 3 cats….

i’ve got nowhere to be
and nothing to do
except watch the snow fall
and accept february for being
february…

FRIDAY I’M IN LOVE:

♥ feb 15 was national gumdrop day….and
i was more excited about that than i was for valentine’s day…
i frigging love gumdrops.

♥ that dude’s older than cheerios ♥♥♥

♥ winter self care tips…these made me happy

♥ i am not going lie I WILL HAVE THESE.

♥ some wintery photos i took last weekend
while just out singing in the car…seeing what i could see

Wherever you are,
I hope you are safe & happy & warm…
full of gumdrops and grace…
and remember,
we are past the halfway mark for February…
the days are getting longer, spring is coming closer…
we’re getting there.
♥♥♥

funny how little it takes to change your mindset (also....cursing ahead, sorry mom)

It’s funny how little it takes to
rearrange your mindset sometimes
and turn what started as an icky day
into a fantastic day…

I felt a little sad this morning
thinking about made up malarkey holidays
and more because sometimes I am shocked
that I have gone this long
alone
since my marriage ended and for a moment,
I will admit I was a bit sad,
a little bit what is wrong with me
am I broken and if so, how broken am I…
and also….will I ever be fixed?

and then I thought of the last couple of years
of marriage where I started to think that I was
literally going crazy, wondering if I was losing my mind,
checking his phone, wondering if he was really where he said he was,
second guessing him, second and triple and quadruple guessing myself…
only to find out in the end my suspicions were
actually right…
I can’t tell explain the hell that is.
To wonder all the time. To not know what is real,
what is true, what is honest, your gut screaming at you to see the truth
but your heart covering your eyes and saying
look away…you don’t want to see this.
you know it’s true but you don’t want to know it.

and then you do.
you know it.
and you can never un-know it.

and once I remembered what that felt like…
I was like…
fuck that. :)

I am soooooo incredibly happy on my own.
That’s not broken. That’s healing.
That’s growth. That’s fucking powerful and electric and
full on laugh out loud joy and security in myself.

I spent about 5 years writing
I just want to be
truly happy and secure
in my journal.

and the truth is
now
I am.

(And this is, in no way, a slight or attack on my ex husband.
The fact that he cheated is not a secret.
There is no one that could be angrier at him than he is
at himself for what he did. This is not about what he did,
this is only to say how I felt…those are 2 different things, I believe.)

All this is to say that after I had that
magical little shift of mindset,
I saw an eagle circling right above my house.
I made chicken breasts with lots of brown sugar and pepper
and a delicious salad for supper and
watch rom-coms turned really loud just how I like them.
I had bubble gum pop shoppe pop.
I ordered new pjs and socks.
I went to the mall and
was my own frigging valentine… ♥

and then my sweet girl
surprised me with an awesome present
with unicorn face masks and chicken bones and
toys and cinnamon hearts!!!

and then I came here
and saw I HAVE 3 COMMENTS ON
YESTERDAY’S BLOG POST!!!!

What a frigging great day!!!!! ♥

Wherever you are, I hope you are having a great frigging day, too.
And if you are with someone you love, make sure they know it…
that they feel secure and happy….cause….that’s important, I think.

whatcha readin - 2023 {goal 40::book 1}

I just realized that I chose
to go with 40 books for a goal this year.
40.
FORTY.
And we are mid February and I have finished
1.
One book.

I blame Frankenstein.

I hated this book
with every fiber of my being.
It was boring and annoying
and blah and boring and
ohmygawd it was SO bloody boring…
actually….
not even bloody, not scary…
just
boring.

So anyway…I finished it
and I read a classic this year
which I had planned to read more of
but now I’m not so sure.
Heh.

Frigging Frankenstein.

0 ♥ out of 5 ♥
that’s how much I hated this book.

*Normally I would tell you what’s up next
but I am currently reading 3 books so I’m not sure
which one will finish first…. :)

thinking out loud...looking for balance

Happy Saturday morning.

It’s been a sweet, quiet start to the day
for me…
just the way I like it.

I feel like this post
is going to be all over the place
as my brain feels a little scattered today,
jumping from one thought
to another,
with very little cohesiveness holding it all together.

Bear with me.

I had my tarot cards read last week
(seriously, if you haven’t done this,
go see this girl…so worth it!)
and she hit on a few things that resonated with me…
she said that balance seemed to be showing up
as a predominant theme in my cards.
This is true.
And she brought up creativity, the desire to
do more in this area of my life, the struggle
to not only make the time for it
but to also
let myself go…
to take myself seriously, to really sink into something.

My nature seems to be to
skim of the surface of things
but when they start to really work,
abandon them and move on to something else.
Part of me would write it off to an attention issue…
a scattery brain, all over the map
but I also know that part of it is fear.
If I take it seriously, then failure is a possibility.
If I say I am just “playing” then I have no accountability….
no expectation…it also soothes the side of me
that struggles with “who do you think you are?
what makes you think you can do this?
You doodle. You play. Grow up. This is not for you.”

This has been a common strategy in
more than one area in my life.
And I know it. I accept it even.
Hell. I embrace it.

Anyway, this is all to say that between
the messages I heard in the tarot cards,
and the fact that I have gotten some of the bigger “grown up things”
sorted out paired with the happiness of the days
slowly getting longer,
all of this makes me feel
ready to dive back into
the creative side…however that decides to show up…
and to make time for it, find that balance,
give it space to be serious if it wants…
but still fun.

I hope this sunny Saturday finds you
happy and content…
♥