"curiositas academy" (of one)...

I came across a tiktok
late at night
that fired up the little
butterflies in my belly…
there is a girl on there
(parmesan princesss / elizabeth jean)
who talked about
how she creates a
monthly curriculum for herself
and I was all
I WANNA DO THAT TOO!!!

(surprisingly, even though I was
awful in school, I actually love
learning new things…I just didn’t love
school as a place that I had to be…)

anyway! so I decided (with the help of
chat gbt) that I would narrow down the
thirty two ideas I initially had
into the following:

• Subject - trees 🌳🌳🌳

• Related creativity project - paper mache

• Side hustle project - create a calendar with illustrations

• Side quest - find a recipe book for “single person cooking” (yeesh, doesn’t that sound sad, haha) and COOK ONE THING A WEEK FROM IT

I am so excited.
I am going to study trees
for three months (I am doing it quarterly instead of monthly)…
this might sound like a little nutty 😁
but there are lots of things
I can do to fill that 3 months…
I have a list of books to read,
a crisp new notebook and school supplies,
a glue stick…
there are leaves to press,
and pictures to be taken,
drawings to make,
bark rubbings!
field trips!

and because I am 110% dorky,
I named my curriculum project
the “Curiositas Academy”
cause latin sounds geeky-awesome-professional

the new notebook!

Drogo gave me a full lesson plan…this is the first week. :)

so yeah.
I am pretty excited about this.
So….expect to hear more about this…
whether you wanna or not.
Just be happy you don’t live with me.
Pugsley is already sick of hearing about trees.

This was exactly the distraction my brain (& 💔) needed.

the truth is...

I feel lost in the land of in-between.
I am trying to make sense
of life without my mom…
while still processing life without my dad…

The strange thing about loss…
loss so big and gaping and bloody
that sometimes
I feel like my insides
must be on the outside,
that I must be dragging my
broken cracked heart behind me
by a vein…
there is no way all of this is happening
inside of me…
but the strange thing is
regular life keeps moving.

And you have to, too.

And you know this…you know you do.
You know why you know?
Because after dad, your mom sat you down
and said “you have to get back out there,
you have to go on adventures, you have to do silly things,
dad wouldn’t want this, dad loved your adventures.”

So I did.
Even when my heart wasn’t in it, I did it
because I didn’t want mom to worry about me.

But there is no one here now to tell me that now.
No one that I would listen to.
The logical side of my brain tells me
what mom would say
but the illogical side of my brain is louder
right now. It won’t always be.
But right now, it’s winning.

All this to say, that I am going to try.
To accept joy, to find my spark,
to live the life I have left
with wonder and excitement and silliness
alongside the memories and the
moments of heartbreaking sadness/loneliness/grief…
I will try…so mom doesn’t worry about me.

sundays

the truth is
sundays
will now always be
the hardest
of the days.
not only because
we lost you on a
sunday
but
because
sundays
were always
"out home"
days…
mom and dad days…
and then just mom days
and now…
i don’t know what to
do
with myself
on sundays…
the hardest of the days.

trying...💔

I’m trying. It’s been 3 weeks. Soon to be 4.
When do I stop counting, marking the days, the hours.
I keep thinking I have to remember to tell her,
to call her, that she’ll laugh when I say this…
and then I remember. So I’m trying.

Trying to find the words.
Trying to find the reason.
Trying to find the light.
Trying to find the hope…
the laughter…the joy…

It all feels muted though…
and gray.
No color, no light.
Sunshine and no sun.
……………………………………..

It is a strange business
this enterprise called grief.
It is both numbing
and also roughshod rumbling tumbling like rocks in my heart
and then all of a sudden
it eats you up
in one gulp
without chewing hard enough
to kill you
but just hard enough to make
you feel the pain of your
empty bones being
crunched
your now hollow heart
gnawed upon…
teeth marks on your soul
and then —
it spits you out.

Sweaty and salty and slick with tears
but it taunts and promises of its non-negotiable fucking return
because we are not done yet
it whispers and then it
slithers away
It sinks into the shade and waits.
For the lull of normality.
It waits.

whatcha readin'? {goal 45 - books 11-14}

It’s like time doesn’t even exist
on a linear level over here
in the big orange house….
the photo taken above was taken
when I was reading this book…
in MARCH.
and is that my Christmas tree in the background?
why yes…why do you ask?

Anyway on to the March reads.

11. HOW TO END A LOVE STORY - YULIN KUANG
MARCH 😍😈😍😈😍

This was a 5 star read for me.
It was sweet and spicy and
I fully enjoyed it.
*and it’s also a Reese pick so that usually means
a yes for me!

12. WOMEN WITH ADD - SARI SOLDEN
March 💛💛💛💛
This was recommended to me by a psychologist
who proclaimed
mid meeting
”OH. You are definitely ADHD…
we can do the tests but you probably don’t have to.
You are.”
Then I read the book and found it informative
and interesting but I don’t really think I am..
or I am completely oblivious to what I really am
which is also a possibility.
Anyway. It was interesting. :)

13. PACHINKO - MIN JIN LEE
March ❤️❤️❤️❤️.5
This book held my attention…it was a bit of
a sad and frustrating story but it made me
feel all kinds of emotions. And I felt strongly
for all the characters…they felt real.
And honestly, the story stuck with me for awhile after
which is not always the case for my control/alt/delete brain.
*oh! and I just realized that this was made
into a series on apple! I am going to check that out!!

14. ILLUNSIONARIUM - HEATHER DIXON
April ❤️❤️❤️
I had read The Enchanted Sonata
before this and I had loved that book…
this one…not quite so much.
To be fair, I think this may have been written
before The Enchanted Sonata
so sometimes that matters as writers mature…
or I was in a different frame of mind…
still a good story with an interesting concept though.

And I realize I went one book into April but whatever…
eventually I’ll get caught up.
But also…LOOK AT ALL THE NEW BOOKS I GOT
at the book sale at work…20.00 went a long way!!! :)