the only way forward is through....

it’s here.

new years eve.
the last day of 2023.
the last year i will
have seen my dad in….
talked to him…
said “you ok, dad?”
sitting with him
while he smoked on the back step…
taking him outside for a smoke
from various hospitals
or see him so happy over
cold, cold water or ice cold ginger ale.

2023 holds the last time
i made him laugh…
heard him say my name
or call out love ya
as i was leaving.

because this time he was the one
who had to leave.

and it’s hard to leave 2023
for that reason alone.

knowing 2024 will only hold
memories of him.

up until today, I was all yes!
a new year! i’m ready!

but now that i am on the cusp of it,
part of me wants to rewind
instead of fast forward
or at least stand still
but i know that can’t be.

the only way forward is through.

this is not what i came here to write
but there it is.

The days are passing by...

The tree is down and out…
the presents are all put away…
the meat pie all eaten,
the Christmas specials all watched.

These are the days
that I look forward to now…
those limbo transient days
between the bustling busy-ness & stress of Christmas
and the quiet, introspective
silence of the days in between the old year
and the new.

This Christmas was a mix
of hard and soft,
good but sad,
present but also with one foot
in the past
missing our dad.

There is no way it could be anything else.
A teetering balance, a towering loss,
a tenuous hold on keeping it together.
There were new traditions made,
a tradition you would sooner not have to make…
visiting him somewhere you don’t want him to be….
you want him in his chair,
you want to hear him laughing and
calling your name when you walk in the room.

But the first Christmas without him is over now.

I have been rereading my journal from 2023
as I always do.
And I knew that this year would be hard to read.
Bittersweet. I’m glad that I journaled as much as I did.
I realize now how much it helped me
to work though things…even though I
did not feel prepared at the time…
you can’t be. There is no preparation.
There only is what there is.

But the journal helped.
Especially the little bits of gratefulness
scattered throughout it.

RANDOM THINGS I WAS GRATEFUL FOR - 2023 EDITION
(a sampling)

my red & white striped pjs
pineapple & ham on pizza
no water in basement
milk carton kids
sweater dresses
maple cookies
the crow and the clementine
pugs & cats sharing the same patch of sunlight
loud rumbly cars
dad’s good days
TMNT socks
the big orange house
my dad’s laugh/making my dad laugh (various versions of this)
lilacs
the chicken i saw crossing the road sunday
no headache
the flowers on the tree for one last season
baloney sandwiches
how dad resigned himself to the fact that i was not going to go home (she’s so stubborn)
his little jig
dad telling the lost paramedic story
emma’s tattoo for dad
soft crusty bread
motorcycle rides
making emma laugh
dad’s reaction to that room (and the couch that I could sleep on instead of a chair)
cozy girl playlist
me trying to light dad’s cigarette…and how hard we laughed
chickadees
surprise sesame street socks
salt sauna
hearing dad’s voice in videos
♥♥♥

the truth is....i don't know how to do this...

not that anyone
knows
how to do this…
how to say goodbye cleanly
and precisely.

there is no
clean and precise
happening here.

there is
up and down
high and low
in and out
over and under…

there is messy
and out of sorts.
there are spells
of manic haphazard planning
I will do this!
I will go here!
I will make this!
followed by endless
heavy eyed under the cover naps.

i don’t know
how to not talk or think
about him.

this is the strange part
of this journey i think…
the stark sharp jagged broken bits of sadness
are jumbled up with
the soft warm and fuzzy memories
and the bouncy bright colored plans
are mingled with
red hot sizzling bouts of
irritation and annoyance
when little things chafe your skin
in an unexpected way.

and you feel like a
kaleidoscope….
except you are having
trouble finding the pattern,
seeing the pretty in it…
right now…
it’s all just rumbling
around in there,
churning out whatever it wants
at any given moment.

so you come here
and word vomit onto the page
like a purge,
a release….

a momentary reprieve.

the truth is
i don’t know how to do this.
but this is what i do.
i type.
i drink tea with lemon.
i watch the droplets of water
hold onto the branches
and reflect the upside down world to me
in a way that makes sense.

and i wait.

because I know this will not pass
but it will ease.
I will always talk about him every day.
I will always think about him every day.
I won’t cry every day.
And most days, I will laugh.
Because
isn’t that the point?
of this strange and inexplicable life…
to live and laugh and love
and if that makes me a cliche,
eff it. I’ll take it. ♥

so no.
i don’t know how to do this.
who does?
there is no right
there is no wrong
there is only through.
and allowing yourself (and others)
grace.

it will be ok.
and it’s ok
to have days
that are not ok.

ok?

whatcha readin'? {goal 40::book 7} (& a disclaimer....well....a ramble...a long one...cause...that's what I do))

so yeah….that looks pretty bad…
goal is 40 and i am at SEVEN!

but the truth is
i am actually at 32….
i have just been really bad at posting
because…well…you know….
there were other things happening.

and the truth also is that
i still feel broken and raw and
too-touchy-to-touch…
i should have a sign that says
“will smile at you but
do not approach too close,
will also bite your hand off.”

i know that no one knows the right thing to say
when you lose someone and that
everyone is trying their best
but i can only speak for myself when i say
for me specifically, it’s best not to say anything at all.
i know that you know. ♥
and i know that you are sorry for my loss. ♥
but as soon as i hear those words,
i don’t know what to say, i am mumbling things
& shrugging my shoulders and looking away…
and it gets incredibly awkward.
for you and for me.
so let me save you from that. :)
if you see me out, please don’t feel you have to say anything…
i promise i will know, i will understand,
and honestly, my heart will thank you for that.

i met up with 2 old friends yesterday by chance
in the sauna…and my first thought was
it’s going to happen again….
(and i am going to be crying in the parking lot)
but it didn’t. ♥

instead they let me wonder out loud
about the possibilities of the door jamming shut
and suffocating us all (while reassuring me that wouldn’t happen)
and we talked about yoga and wellness
and i knew that underneath, they were telling me
they were sorry…but that silent sorry meant so much to me.

(and please don’t think i am saying that
this is the right approach for everyone…
i only know what is right for me…
and nobody knows this if I don’t tell them so…)
and also if you have seen me out and said anything
PLEASE DON’T FEEL BAD. that is SO not my intention.
you didn’t know…cause how does anyone know what
anyone wants in a time like this.

it’s such an emotionally charged time.
i am prone to taking everything the wrong way.
if you say i’m strong, or that i’m handling it well,
i will hear that it looks like i don’t even care that he died.
AND I KNOW THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU MEAN
but did i mention my brain is super effing glitchy right now?
again. better just to not talk to me until spring…
like a bear in hibernation. Haha.
Or talk to me about smurfs or sesame street or
oh gawd, did you watch love is blind
which is the worst trainwreck of a show but
yeah!!! i will definitely talk about how much i loved Milton
and couldn’t stand Stacey. Hahaha.

ANYWAY. One more version of a
not what I came here to say blog post.
please bear with me…my brain is glitchy.

What I wanted to say was:
Book #7 - Whiskey in a Teacup - Reese Witherspoon
♥♥♥♥ out of 5 hearts

The note I wrote about this book:
"Pretty pictures and I just like Reese. Sue me."

and one last note…
for anyone that has sent me messages
about dad or about their own loss…yes!
This I can do. I am better in type.
And I can choose when and where to read it…
and there is no need for me to respond right away.

There. Now I’m done. For real. Unless you wanna talk about love is blind…cause….I’m game for that! :D

thinking out loud... {caution. bad words. don't tell my mom}

it’s been 3 weeks…
a little over 3 weeks even…
but time feels irrelevant and finicky…
it feels like yesterday
and also forever ago
since I seen you last,
heard you laugh,
made you say
"oh, you’re a strange bird, you”
or heard you yell
love ya!
as i am leaving.

it’s like time works in a vacuum
in a blender
in layers of near and far
and the stark reality of
forever-forever-like-REALLY-fucking-forever
sinks in…

there are good days
and bad days….but
i know that is to be expected….
and that, my friends, that’s the kicker…
you KNOW all the things
that are to be expected
because, like the planner you are,
you read the books and
watched the youtube videos on
grief and healing and loss and
even anticipatory grief
but the truth is

you still don’t expect it.
you are still not ready.
acceptance? fuck that. I accept nothing.
(or so the tantrumy kid in my heart keeps yelling and stomping about)

my point is there are up days
and down days, days when you push yourself out of bed
cause you think dad wouldn’t stay in bed…
and days when you stay in bed
cause dad would say that’s ok…as long as you don’t do it every day.

and you worry that you are going
to drive everyone crazy because, obviously,
you process things in type and photos and words and doodles…
i mean, you have a BLOG for gawd sake…
haha. who even has one of these anymore
much less has had one for EIGHTEEN YEARS.

anyway. i digress. as per usual.

i have been thinking of ways to move
through this with some semblance of sanity…
and the truth is my dad LOVED life.
if you know him, you know….he LOVED life.
creativity. resourcefulness. imagination. humor.
hard work. his wife. his family. his friends. exploring. being outside.

so i am making lists (cause…that’s what i do) of how to move though this.
things like:

• journaling

• reading (fiction for escape but also books on loss - it does help me)

• drawing/painting - get back to the little blue desk

• crochet/knit/macrame etc

• maybe get out with the BIG camera again. (this one gives me butterflies in my belly)

• snowshoes

• go to sauna & hot tub weekly

• try to write/illustrate a little story book just for me

• start working on some of the projects I have put on the back burner

• maybe join a gym…but do something active regardless

• and also…plan some big trips of some sort. NFLD has been on my list. Dad & I talked about that a lot. Maybe next year, that becomes a real goal.

• to keep exploring and going on adventures…every time I would see him he would say “so what beach today?” or “no beach today?” or “I thought you would be at the beach today”. ♥

literally every moment
is a fresh start…
it’s ok to break down…
and it’s also ok to move forward…
and those two actions
may work in parallel, in tandem, in conjunction
with each other…just let it. just live it.
live life big. notice the little moments.
it’s going to be ok. (not the same, never the same…
but it will be ok again.)

the one solace i take in all of this
is that he knows that i loved him hard
with all my heart.

and that i always will.