It’s funny how little it takes to
rearrange your mindset sometimes
and turn what started as an icky day
into a fantastic day…
I felt a little sad this morning
thinking about made up malarkey holidays
and more because sometimes I am shocked
that I have gone this long
alone
since my marriage ended and for a moment,
I will admit I was a bit sad,
a little bit what is wrong with me
am I broken and if so, how broken am I…
and also….will I ever be fixed?
and then I thought of the last couple of years
of marriage where I started to think that I was
literally going crazy, wondering if I was losing my mind,
checking his phone, wondering if he was really where he said he was,
second guessing him, second and triple and quadruple guessing myself…
only to find out in the end my suspicions were
actually right…
I can’t tell explain the hell that is.
To wonder all the time. To not know what is real,
what is true, what is honest, your gut screaming at you to see the truth
but your heart covering your eyes and saying
look away…you don’t want to see this.
you know it’s true but you don’t want to know it.
and then you do.
you know it.
and you can never un-know it.
and once I remembered what that felt like…
I was like…
fuck that. :)
I am soooooo incredibly happy on my own.
That’s not broken. That’s healing.
That’s growth. That’s fucking powerful and electric and
full on laugh out loud joy and security in myself.
I spent about 5 years writing
I just want to be
truly happy and secure
in my journal.
and the truth is
now
I am.
(And this is, in no way, a slight or attack on my ex husband.
The fact that he cheated is not a secret.
There is no one that could be angrier at him than he is
at himself for what he did. This is not about what he did,
this is only to say how I felt…those are 2 different things, I believe.)
