trying...💔

I’m trying. It’s been 3 weeks. Soon to be 4.
When do I stop counting, marking the days, the hours.
I keep thinking I have to remember to tell her,
to call her, that she’ll laugh when I say this…
and then I remember. So I’m trying.

Trying to find the words.
Trying to find the reason.
Trying to find the light.
Trying to find the hope…
the laughter…the joy…

It all feels muted though…
and gray.
No color, no light.
Sunshine and no sun.
……………………………………..

It is a strange business
this enterprise called grief.
It is both numbing
and also roughshod rumbling tumbling like rocks in my heart
and then all of a sudden
it eats you up
in one gulp
without chewing hard enough
to kill you
but just hard enough to make
you feel the pain of your
empty bones being
crunched
your now hollow heart
gnawed upon…
teeth marks on your soul
and then —
it spits you out.

Sweaty and salty and slick with tears
but it taunts and promises of its non-negotiable fucking return
because we are not done yet
it whispers and then it
slithers away
It sinks into the shade and waits.
For the lull of normality.
It waits.

funny how little it takes to change your mindset (also....cursing ahead, sorry mom)

It’s funny how little it takes to
rearrange your mindset sometimes
and turn what started as an icky day
into a fantastic day…

I felt a little sad this morning
thinking about made up malarkey holidays
and more because sometimes I am shocked
that I have gone this long
alone
since my marriage ended and for a moment,
I will admit I was a bit sad,
a little bit what is wrong with me
am I broken and if so, how broken am I…
and also….will I ever be fixed?

and then I thought of the last couple of years
of marriage where I started to think that I was
literally going crazy, wondering if I was losing my mind,
checking his phone, wondering if he was really where he said he was,
second guessing him, second and triple and quadruple guessing myself…
only to find out in the end my suspicions were
actually right…
I can’t tell explain the hell that is.
To wonder all the time. To not know what is real,
what is true, what is honest, your gut screaming at you to see the truth
but your heart covering your eyes and saying
look away…you don’t want to see this.
you know it’s true but you don’t want to know it.

and then you do.
you know it.
and you can never un-know it.

and once I remembered what that felt like…
I was like…
fuck that. :)

I am soooooo incredibly happy on my own.
That’s not broken. That’s healing.
That’s growth. That’s fucking powerful and electric and
full on laugh out loud joy and security in myself.

I spent about 5 years writing
I just want to be
truly happy and secure
in my journal.

and the truth is
now
I am.

(And this is, in no way, a slight or attack on my ex husband.
The fact that he cheated is not a secret.
There is no one that could be angrier at him than he is
at himself for what he did. This is not about what he did,
this is only to say how I felt…those are 2 different things, I believe.)

All this is to say that after I had that
magical little shift of mindset,
I saw an eagle circling right above my house.
I made chicken breasts with lots of brown sugar and pepper
and a delicious salad for supper and
watch rom-coms turned really loud just how I like them.
I had bubble gum pop shoppe pop.
I ordered new pjs and socks.
I went to the mall and
was my own frigging valentine… ♥

and then my sweet girl
surprised me with an awesome present
with unicorn face masks and chicken bones and
toys and cinnamon hearts!!!

and then I came here
and saw I HAVE 3 COMMENTS ON
YESTERDAY’S BLOG POST!!!!

What a frigging great day!!!!! ♥

Wherever you are, I hope you are having a great frigging day, too.
And if you are with someone you love, make sure they know it…
that they feel secure and happy….cause….that’s important, I think.

half a century...&...well...this is one where i ramble...but...with excitement & purpose...kinda :)

the honest truth
is
i don’t really plan on
aging gracefully….
ever.

i am going down
with a fight.

i will not be contained
or constrained by ideas of
what “women my age”
should say or
do or
listen to
or wear.
(and small slightly sad side note, these ideas often seem
to be enforced and monitored
by other women…which blows my mind…
but that’s a whole other post, hahaha)

well…i say….
eff that.

i plan to deepen my smile lines
by laughing as much as possible
and accenting my silver hair
with shocking pops of purple
or maybe even pink, if i want…
or maybe, i’ll just let it go totally gray….
the only limit is what will make
me happy…cause….

all i want
in life
is to be happy…
there are always going to be bills,
sickness, sadness, stress…
you can’t avoid those things
but i am
choosing
not to let them dictate
my second half of
the century.

i am the author of that story.

and all i really want is
adventure and laughter,
self awareness,
giggles and good food,
time spent with friends
and family,
time to create and explore,
try new things (except food…haha…let’s not get crazy)
and fucking embrace. my. life.

i want to be excited by ideas
and peoples and places…
every day….even in the mundane….

i want to live my life like a friday adventure
with the music loud
and the windows rolled down
and my hair blowing in my eyes…
and to sometimes throw the map away
and just follow wherever
the road goes.

age is a number.
it’s not a box. or a law. or a rule.
i am not upset at being 50.
i am excited.
i am aware of but not ashamed of my
slower metabolism, my wrinkles,
my slightly sagging neck, my weird
always-showing-gray roots hair…
but
i am healthy. i have amazing friends and family.
i live on an island that i never get tired exploring.
i love my job, my silly little 2009 civic,
my falling apart at the seams orange house….
i love my life.

i am happy. :)
i am happy being me…whatever version of me
that is today…tomorrow…or years from now…

life really is short…live it. love it.
and let go of the fear
of what other people think…
chances are
what they think has more to do
with them,
than with you….
oh!!! and make sure to eat the ice cream
before it melts!
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

“Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.”
WALT DISNEY

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goodbye 2018...

It’s New Year’s Eve
and I am wishing that I had thought ahead
and gotten food or treats or diet coke (!!!!)
but now it’s dark out
and I am in my pjs
and don’t want to leave the house.

It’s a sad state of affairs.

Heeheeheehee.

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I realize I have not blogged since November
but honestly…
my life was kind of falling apart off and on
all through 2018
so I am actually surprised that I blogged as much as I did (93 times).

If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram,
then you likely already know that my marriage of 20 years
has sadly broken into pieces & while I spent a good portion
of 2018 just trying to hold the shards of my heart and head together,
I also tried to appear normal…I didn’t want to admit out loud
for a long time
that anything was wrong…but, eventually, I had to
and, honestly, admitting it was a good thing for me, for all of us, in the end.

So. Anyway. That news is soooo 2018
and I really don’t want to talk/think about it anymore.

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This time last year, I wrote about how I wanted 2018 to be a year of fun
not realizing at the time that 2018 was actually still going to be a big year of suck.

Therefore, I reserve the right to re-use my plan of attack & make
2019
a year that I focus on fun. :)

Every year, I go back and re-read my blog & journals for the year that is passing.
This year, well, I just didn’t want to read my journals because…that’s just depressing
and for the first time ever, I am considering burning journals.
But, for my blog, I mainly only talked about the good things, the funny things,
the stuff I love…so here are some of the highlights:

• I read 36 books! My goal was 24 so yay me! I realize I didn’t write about all of them on here so I am planning to do a short summary again of the ones that I missed writing about. And now, I need to set a new goal for 2019. Is 25 setting the bar too low? Heh. Oh…any recommendations??

• I sold a bunch of watercolor cards (and journals & a canvas!). This blows my mind. Seriously. And makes me incredibly happy. I have big plans for expanding this in 2019 so stay tuned! :)

• I sang Mony Mony on a speaker & didn’t get kicked out!

• I saw real live eagles.

• I went to the air show and sat in a Hornet (a stationary hornet, but still….)(and I had to line up with 50 little kids to do it…but still….)

• I joined a writing group, started nanowrimo, got further on a story than I ever have and submitted a story to a contest (I didn’t win…but I submitted it!)

• I got to talk on a taxi CB….always a goal of mine.

• I created an online dating profile. This has been both amusing and horrifying.

• I got my thumb stuck in a box of cold shots at the liquor store which prompted the cashier to say “Well. THAT’S a first.” Heh.

• I tried cabbage. I learned how not to stir fry it and that stir fried cabbage could actually kill me. And they keep it by the turnips if you are ever looking for it. And cauliflower and cabbage are not the same thing.

• I got in a car accident. Goodbye little accent…I still miss you. :(

• I ate a lot of jujubes, broccoli, ice cream sundaes, cucumber sandwiches and popcorn.

• We had unplanned kittens.

• I did a whole month of Inktober! :)

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I am not going to lie though. I didn’t love 2018.

But I learned
that I can do this…we can do this…
that a separation does not mean the end of the world
and it doesn’t mean we failed…
things happen, people grow and change…
(24 years together is a long time…we should just be proud of that)

And that, yeah, there are days it’s going to totally fucking suck
but there are also little bits of good in every day
if you look for them…some days, you have to look really damn hard
but they are there.

And that it’s ok to accept help or support.
That’s one I am still struggling with.
I know we have such a strong support system of friends & family & co-workers…
and I felt like I should write
”thanks for being there for me even when it
felt like all I was doing was pushing you away”
in EVERYONE’S Christmas card….
because…that’s what I learned I do…

The truth is we are alive and healthy…
and 2019 will not be about spinning my wheels any longer.
2019 will be about getting some traction
and moving forward…about having fun and being open minded…
making new friends and reconnecting with old ones…
laughing so hard you spit your diet coke through your nose…

and lots and lots of adventures.

Happy New Years Eve to you…if you have stuck through this
long and painful post, hahahaha, thank you.
I am always totally surprised when anyone reads this
(and always always always so appreciative….)
so thank you so much for being here!

Now…is it too late to order Chinese food?
:)

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