I keep thinking I am going to get
to this page more…
and then I don’t.

I trip, I stumble,
I post 3 times in a row…
I don’t post for a month.

I write posts in my head
but they don’t make it to the keyboard….
they leak out of my brain
along with payments due
and grocery lists and
lyrics I thought I would always remember.

Age is a funny thing.

I never cared much about my age…
I always felt younger than what the numbers
on my license add up to…
but lately, I see changes I don’t like…
a flabby neck, weight that gathers quicker
and stays longer, deep lined creases
that go beyond smile lines.

And mostly….I am ok with that.
Mostly I am ok with me.

But some days, I feel an inkling of fear,
trailing me, tracking me…
whispering what if you are always alone….
or is that what you really want?

(and I don’t know the answer)

52 is starting to feel like
the awkwardness of 15 again.

I don’t know how to dress my age,
I don’t know how to be me anymore,
I don’t know what this me is supposed to look like.
I don’t know what she wants to look like
because she is fickle and undecided and
happy as can be and yet painfully lonely,
content and positive but scared as hell in the middle of the night….
some days she wants to move to the country,
get some power tools, dress only in overalls
and let her hair get as long and tangly as it wants
while she goes around with dirty bare feet
and paints everything purple
and polka dotted.

And some days, she wants to drive away from everything
and cover the rear view mirror with thick black paint
so she can never look back.

52 is a funny age.
Maybe even more so
when one is alone
and the decisions are
not driven by anyone else….

I am driving my own ship…
I chart the waters, I choose the direction…
I can push it forward,
or I can run it aground…

Either way….it’s all on me.

That’s both liberating…
and fucking terrifying.

Anyway, once more…not what I came here to write
but these are the words that came out
so I share them
just in case someone out there
might be able to relate.
*waving hello & yelling “we got this!” if you are in this boat too.

maybe none of us are alone

or maybe….we all are.
♥

the honest truth
is
i don’t really plan on
aging gracefully….
ever.

i am going down
with a fight.

i will not be contained
or constrained by ideas of
what “women my age”
should say or
do or
listen to
or wear.
(and small slightly sad side note, these ideas often seem
to be enforced and monitored
by other women…which blows my mind…
but that’s a whole other post, hahaha)

well…i say….
eff that.

i plan to deepen my smile lines
by laughing as much as possible
and accenting my silver hair
with shocking pops of purple
or maybe even pink, if i want…
or maybe, i’ll just let it go totally gray….
the only limit is what will make
me happy…cause….

all i want
in life
is to be happy…
there are always going to be bills,
sickness, sadness, stress…
you can’t avoid those things
but i am
choosing
not to let them dictate
my second half of
the century.

i am the author of that story.

and all i really want is
adventure and laughter,
self awareness,
giggles and good food,
time spent with friends
and family,
time to create and explore,
try new things (except food…haha…let’s not get crazy)
and fucking embrace. my. life.

i want to be excited by ideas
and peoples and places…
every day….even in the mundane….

i want to live my life like a friday adventure
with the music loud
and the windows rolled down
and my hair blowing in my eyes…
and to sometimes throw the map away
and just follow wherever
the road goes.

age is a number.
it’s not a box. or a law. or a rule.
i am not upset at being 50.
i am excited.
i am aware of but not ashamed of my
slower metabolism, my wrinkles,
my slightly sagging neck, my weird
always-showing-gray roots hair…
but
i am healthy. i have amazing friends and family.
i live on an island that i never get tired exploring.
i love my job, my silly little 2009 civic,
my falling apart at the seams orange house….
i love my life.

i am happy. :)
i am happy being me…whatever version of me
that is today…tomorrow…or years from now…

life really is short…live it. love it.
and let go of the fear
of what other people think…
chances are
what they think has more to do
with them,
than with you….
oh!!! and make sure to eat the ice cream
before it melts!
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

“Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.”
WALT DISNEY