deep sunday thoughts...a tiny confession...and one bad word

I keep thinking I am going to get
to this page more…
and then I don’t.

I trip, I stumble,
I post 3 times in a row…
I don’t post for a month.

I write posts in my head
but they don’t make it to the keyboard….
they leak out of my brain
along with payments due
and grocery lists and
lyrics I thought I would always remember.

Age is a funny thing.

I never cared much about my age…
I always felt younger than what the numbers
on my license add up to…
but lately, I see changes I don’t like…
a flabby neck, weight that gathers quicker
and stays longer, deep lined creases
that go beyond smile lines.

And mostly….I am ok with that.
Mostly I am ok with me.

But some days, I feel an inkling of fear,
trailing me, tracking me…
whispering what if you are always alone….
or is that what you really want?

(and I don’t know the answer)

52 is starting to feel like
the awkwardness of 15 again.

I don’t know how to dress my age,
I don’t know how to be me anymore,
I don’t know what this me is supposed to look like.
I don’t know what she wants to look like
because she is fickle and undecided and
happy as can be and yet painfully lonely,
content and positive but scared as hell in the middle of the night….
some days she wants to move to the country,
get some power tools, dress only in overalls
and let her hair get as long and tangly as it wants
while she goes around with dirty bare feet
and paints everything purple
and polka dotted.

And some days, she wants to drive away from everything
and cover the rear view mirror with thick black paint
so she can never look back.

52 is a funny age.
Maybe even more so
when one is alone
and the decisions are
not driven by anyone else….

I am driving my own ship…
I chart the waters, I choose the direction…
I can push it forward,
or I can run it aground…

Either way….it’s all on me.

That’s both liberating…
and fucking terrifying.

Anyway, once more…not what I came here to write
but these are the words that came out
so I share them
just in case someone out there
might be able to relate.
*waving hello & yelling “we got this!” if you are in this boat too.

maybe none of us are alone

or maybe….we all are.
♥

things i think i forgot i knew....

i was on my own
pretty much all weekend…

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i think
somewhere
along the way
i started thinking
that i was alone
maybe too much,
that being alone
this much
was a bad thing,
a failing,
a problem to be solved,
something
to be kind of
embarrassed about…
a void to be filled
with distraction
and conversations
and attention.

but doing that
is not making me
happy.

this weekend,
i worked on the course,
took naps,
cleaned the house,
watered the garden,
ate fresh cucumber & tomato & raspberries…
read a book,
hugged the cat,
made supper for the kids,
laid in the grass & watched the clouds,
laid on the beach and
listened to seagulls and waves,
ate tiny doughnuts
and baby cupcakes,
tried not to look at my phone very much,
listened to new music,
scribbled in a journal,
painted a tiny watercolor,
chased the sunset
down dirt roads….

and i think i forgot
that
i
make me happy.

i make myself happy.

i forgot that i kinda like
being on my own…

and…i’m good at it.

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(and this is not to say
that i don’t fully enjoy
and appreciate the time
that i spend with my family
and friends…i really, really do.
just somewhere
along the way,
i lost my way…
and felt that i was missing
something…
but i realize now
that something
can’t be forced.
if it’s gonna happen, it will.
but for now…
there’s no rush.)

:)

Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.     

Henry Rollins

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sunday best....

i used to do this thing
here on Sundays
and i called it
"sunday best"
where i would share some of my favorites
from the past week...
i might try and revive it again...
see how it goes.

if you would like to see more,
please feel free to drop by my facebook page!

:)

the kittens are thwarting my editing attempts... {nablopomo day 29}

so...i'm trying to edit...
and the kittens are poking at the keyboard
and playing with the strings on my hoodie
and trying to catch the cursor
so I put on a bird video for them...

but i still managed to finish two weddings today!
YAY me!
there is a very faint but very distinct light at the end of the tunnel...i can see it!