the truth is...

I feel lost in the land of in-between.
I am trying to make sense
of life without my mom…
while still processing life without my dad…

The strange thing about loss…
loss so big and gaping and bloody
that sometimes
I feel like my insides
must be on the outside,
that I must be dragging my
broken cracked heart behind me
by a vein…
there is no way all of this is happening
inside of me…
but the strange thing is
regular life keeps moving.

And you have to, too.

And you know this…you know you do.
You know why you know?
Because after dad, your mom sat you down
and said “you have to get back out there,
you have to go on adventures, you have to do silly things,
dad wouldn’t want this, dad loved your adventures.”

So I did.
Even when my heart wasn’t in it, I did it
because I didn’t want mom to worry about me.

But there is no one here now to tell me that now.
No one that I would listen to.
The logical side of my brain tells me
what mom would say
but the illogical side of my brain is louder
right now. It won’t always be.
But right now, it’s winning.

All this to say, that I am going to try.
To accept joy, to find my spark,
to live the life I have left
with wonder and excitement and silliness
alongside the memories and the
moments of heartbreaking sadness/loneliness/grief…
I will try…so mom doesn’t worry about me.

best laid plans....

I meant to come here
the beginning of September
to say how much
I really do 💕love 💕 this month.

I love summer.
I mean, I really, really do.
But I also thrive on
structure & routine,
and in the summer…
I am not gonna lie…
I kinda let all that fly right
out my open car window
as I’m singing along
with the radio on full blast.

But September.
September grounds me.

I start thinking about balance again.
And growth. And change.
What do I want to do.
Where do I want to be.
Making lists.
Taking notes.
Forging plans in ink and crayon.

September makes me feel like
a kid with a new lunch box
and a pencil case full of hopes and plans.

September also makes me wordy.
♥

sponge.

I don’t know if I am going
through a bit of a cycle of some sort
but I feel like a thirsty, dry sponge
who just can’t get enough
of everything…
books
movies
music
real conversations
podcasts
interviews
documentaries
blogs
articles
nature
I just want to
keep absorbing
and connecting
and feeding the sponge monster
who is gobbling it up
and then saying
more…
give me MORE.

things are resonating
and clicking
and whirring like gears
and click-clacky clockwork…

i like this feeling.

the truth is
i am going to try to come
back to the blog more…
for no other reason
other than it is has always proven
to be a source of creativity for me.

i may, however, not always share the
link to new posts on other social media.
i haven’t decided that yet.
when i first started this blog,
it was a bit of a secret club
and mostly, i was the only member. :)
and while i have enjoyed sharing it,
i also catch myself censoring myself on it now…
because…it feels…different
to be so open and
it feels…
scary
sometimes.

though sometimes
i think why do i let it scare me.
why is it hard to be open,
to be vulnerable…
to let go.

but whatever i decide,
you know where to find me
if you are interested in seeing
what muddled thoughts are being shared
over here. :)

happy saturday!!
we are almost all the way
through january….
spring is just a hop-skip-and-a-jump away!
:)

it's been a bit of an odd summer...

my brain doesn’t
quite know
what it wants
to do…
i mean, let’s be honest,
it never really does.
it’s always been
a bit of a fickle pickle
of a brain
bouncing about
like a frenzied rubber ball
going this way and that…

but lately…

it’s bouncing between
really really up and
let’s buy groceries
cause we are gonna cook things
and let’s refinish furniture
and go places
and start jogging
and maybe write a book
while also repainting the
living room…

and really really down
where i can’t get out of my own way…
tonight i had to put an oil treatment
in my hair
just to ensure that i didn’t go to bed
at 6:30…cause
that’s what i really wanted to do.

and at the same time,
i feel like summer is rushing by
in a flash of rain clouds
and scattered thundershowers
and i haven’t camped yet,
i haven’t gone away,
i haven’t had a bonfire or gone to the drive in
and i feel panicky
and then that makes me tired
so i go to bed
at 6:30.

this will pass.
i think.
i hope.
i just need some deep breaths
and sunshine
and maybe a doughnut.

or a nap.

sometimes...

sometimes
i talk
too much…
a lot…
non stop…
i get excited
about all the little things
& i just want
to share
and share
and share some more…

and sometimes…
i don’t want
to talk at all.

i am sleepy
and quiet
and i can’t
find the energy
to get out of
my own way…

maybe both extremes
are ok…
two sides of my tarnished
bent and broken coin…
maybe i should just lean into it
and stop
trying to fight it….
trying to always be
energized and bubbly and creative.

it’s ok to rest, too.

especially on rainy days.
♥

also i seem
to be on a little
fairy kick…
not sure where they are coming from…
but i like that they are visiting
and that they don’t eat all the
candy…just a little bit.