Blah. I don't wanna talk about this but I feel like I have to talk this....& it's long...it's ok to skip it. :)

this
has been weighing on me
a little bit
lately…

Warning:
This may not be my usual
ice cream and robots and polka dot boots
kinda post…
:)

I am pretty open about my current situation…
separated after 20+ years.

I tend to gloss over the really low points
and I over-share the day-to-day adventures of being on my own
like buying a lawn mower
and then said lawn mower betraying me. :)
But that’s what I have always done.

A best friend told me that I do share sooooo much online…
but…not usually the stuff that really matters to me…but…
this does. This is post that I am still debating whether I should share or not.

This has nothing to do with my separation
in a sense and is only related to it as a “result” of this change
in my life.

This is about online dating.

I have been pretty open with family, friends and co-workers
that I have been trying online dating.
And I have gotten mixed results from telling people this.

The reason I tell people is
a) I am not ashamed of it.
b) This is a small island. I would sooner be upfront and telling people
myself, where at least I feel that I somewhat control the narrative, then to think
that people are discussing it without my humorous input. Haha.
c) it’s what I do. I turn things into adventures, try to make them funny,
it’s literally how I deal
with everything.

Most people are pretty supportive of this and understand that, as this age
(old. I am old. Let’s just say it. Haha)
how do you meet people? How do you meet people & know they are also
looking to meet people? I could just starting asking random people but
that seems like it might be intrusive and weirder than my usual behavior. Heehee.

But…some people react openly with horror and with what feels like a little bit of judgement.

I am going to say this
as kindly as I possibly can ♥♥♥♥♥
…because honestly, 2-3 years ago, I may have been exactly
where you are (happily married, not expecting to ever be in this situation)
and I may have unknowingly said these same words:

“I would never do that.”
”If my marriage ended, I would never look for someone else.”
”Why are you using a dating site, you shouldn’t be doing that”
and variations of “those sites are just for pick ups, they’re gross, they’re dangerous, what are you thinking, you don’t need to do that”

Well…I am just going to say (and kindly, so kindly…) :)
but it’s possible that a person doesn’t know how they would react to the end of a marriage/relationship
until they are in that situation…I certainly didn’t…and when someone says things like that,
I feel a little hurt, a little judged, a little less than…

and i KNOW that was not your intention…
I know that in my heart…
because I feel like most people are kind & it’s just a knee jerk reaction…
and that’s why I just feel like maybe
it needs to be said because I know
I am not the only one going through this right now…
and we all make different choices at different stages as we
all are dealing with completely different situations…
and definitely some people choose not to go this route after a separation
and that’s totally fine, too! :) Whatever makes you happy in the end…

And honestly, so far, online dating has given me only positives….
I have made a few new friends, I have a couple funny stories I can tell now
(mainly about my own awkwardness…) and I don’t take it very seriously…

Right now, for me, it’s just a way to dip my toe back in the pool
(and hope a shark doesn’t take my leg off but that can happen anywhere…
not just online…I had more strange and bizarre stories happen
from working in retail than I have from online dating…hahaha)

&
just…it’s hard.
It’s hard to put yourself out there
and date again…or even just meet up with someone for coffee or ice cream…
because, in my head, I feel like people are watching.
I know that it is probably not true, everyone has their own lives
and I am not that important in anyone else’s universe, hahaha
but, it’s sooooo totally not helpful when you find out
that someone you don’t even know
feels it’s ok to take a photo of you while you are out for supper,
send it to someone you care about and
make an insinuation at your expense “as a joke”…

Starting over is not easy…& what feels like a
harmless “joking” comment to one
may be enough to set a person back 3 big steps
from that baby step forward they just took.

OK! Back to ice cream and beaches and robots!

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