tuesday truths...too much truth...but it's tuesday....

the truth is
sometimes
i feel like
maybe i
have become
too happy,
too comfortable,
too content
all on my own.

sometimes
i wonder if
i will ever
be able to fit
another person
into my life
again….
i am just not sure where
or how
or the logistics
or the ramifications…

i am afraid to
upset this
delicate balance
i have built of
being happy
on my own…
(and let’s not lie
i am also afraid
of being hurt,
of confrontation,
of drama,
of other people talking about me,
of perceptions, of judgements,
of hurting someone else,
of someone wanting me to change,
of losing control…)

and i am so happy right now.
i feel like i live in my own little
fragile soap bubble of bliss…
full of candy & ice cream
and doing what i want
when i want
how i want…
full of friends and family,
cats and a pug,
colors and giggles and music…

i am happy.

if i am going to ever be with someone else,
it has to add to equation…not subtract, not divide,
not make me question my worth, my self esteem, my quirks…
and maybe it has to happen accidentally…
you know, like the kind of thing
you don’t plan,
you just slip into it
because it feels right
without trying.

anyway.

that’s my tuesday truth.
i actually came here
to write about spotify
but then this leaked out of my brain
and onto the page
so…this is what you get today.

:)

there was a time...

there was a time when i thought
i would never
be happy
again.

i want to say that i always knew
that i would be
ok
but even that
is not true…not fully true,
if i am 100 per cent perfectly, brutally and completely
fucking honest.

i can’t lie.
i had some very dark moments
back when my life felt like it
was starting to really crumble
around me,
a house of cards
slip-sliding away from me
and no matter how tightly
i held on,
it wasn’t tight enough.
things felt out of my control,
and i don’t like that feeling…
not at all.

i remember driving that white rental car
late one night
driving way too fast
on roads i didn’t know
in the dark
and every tree on the side of the road
looked like a reprieve,
like i could just veer hard to the right
and slam myself into not feeling
this way
anymore…
every oncoming set of lights
from a transfer truck
looked like an invitation,
an escape,
a solution.

i was scared.
petrified. terrified. sad. hurt. crushed.
laid bare.

I couldn’t do it that night
or any of the following nights
that i took that same drive.
the kids.
i couldn’t.

for a long time after that,
after i stopped taking that late night drive
i was better - on the outside - i was functional…
but on the inside
i was hollow.
empty.
a shell.

i was just going through the motions.

but this morning
i sat down to journal
and thought…
i am honestly truly so fucking happy
right now.
i am happy.
i am not pretending to be happy.
I am happy.

2.5 years later.

when they tell you time heals
and you feel like
throat punching them
because you are
in the thick of it and
”time heals”
feels like garbage
and a cliche
and useless and like
what you say
when you don’t know
what else to say…
but
it’s true.
or at least, it was for me.

(This is in no way a slight or blame on
anyone…marriages end everyday.
it’s a fact. even 20 year marriages.
life happens. we grow, we change, we move on…
and i am grateful EVERY DAY
for the 20 years we had…
i would not change a day
and i do not regret a moment of it ♥ )

but i do think about this
all the time
when i look at other people…
and think
i don’t know their story…
i think about it all the time
when i remember how
secretive i was…
i have never ever told anyone
about those nights in the
rental car…
and i don’t say it here for
drama or pity or whatever…
i can say it now because
i am so far past it.

i have been very lucky in my life…
i have a strong network of friends and family
that would have happily supported me
if i had let them in.
(but it’s hard to admit that you are broken…)

but it’s just that
we don’t always know
what others,
even those closest to us,
are going through.

and to be kind.

you never know
when that little bit of kindness
could be the tipping point
in the right direction.
(and if you are broken right now…
it’s ok to admit that you are broken…
it really is. It really is ok to not be ok.)

enough sappiness for one saturday.
the sun is shining,
my camera is calling me.

there are adventures to be had
and doughnuts to be eaten.
:)

2019::Unfold

every year
i choose a word for the year…
a word to help
push me or gently guide me
depending on the need.

some years,
it has worked amazing…
other years, i may or may not have forgotten
what the word was
before the last sunset in
the first week of
january.

and that’s ok.
i don’t worry too much about it.
if it works, that’s great!
and if not, well, maybe i just picked the wrong word for that year.

looking back::

2018::Embrace - yeah…not so much. But, in my defense, the year kinda sucked no matter what word i would have chosen.
2017::Adventure - this one went really well for me…it was when i started my Friday Adventures :)
2016::Happy
2015::Risk - the year i decided it was time to cut back/stop shooting weddings
2014::Balance
2013::Brave
2012::Leap
2011::Connect
2010::Play/Expand
2009::Dare - this was another one of my best years related to my word
2008::Focus - looking back, I think this was helpful for the following year…

and this year, 2019, I am choosing a gentle word.
unfold.
a passive verb, if there is such a thing…
i need to let go a little, to relax, to stop holding on so tight
to what used to be….
and let a new beginning unfold.

i don’t want to force it or plan it or rush it or demand that it match
some preconceived picture in my head….
i just want to take my time and allow things to happen
as they happen.

which does not mean that i won’t be setting goals and
creating habit trackers and devising blueprints for taking over the world… :)
i do have a lot of things that i want to shift my focus to this year.

mainly in the creative areas of my life.
that’s where i feel excitement and fire and butterflies in my belly….
(all in a good way)…

but…in other areas, the areas that are murky and blurred and
sometimes, a little scary…the areas that involve change
and transition and how do we do this now when we are no longer “we”…
what happens next? how does one move forward?
what does moving forward even look like for me?
well. that part i am going to let go of.
i think that going through our first Christmas apart
might have taught me that it is ok to let go of any expectations…
to just let it happen….don’t worry about what new tradition should
replace one that you feel you lost…let the new tradition find you…
maybe it will be jamming a christmas tree in the back seat of the car
every year…maybe it will be picking up breakfast at a local gas station
coffee shop and then laughing about how you froze in the
drive through and ordered everyone some sort of weird (but good) vegetarian garden bagel…

maybe it will be playing a rousing game of parcheesi at the end of the day.

regardless, i have resolved to just let it find me.
and the same with new relationships and friendships…
i am going to stop panicking that i will be alone for the rest of my life
because i am incredibly awkward and far too forthcoming on social media…(this post is proof of that)
and
just
let
whatever
happens….
happen.

let it unfold.

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tuesday truths...

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♥     ♥    ♥
it is almost impossible to be unhappy
when wearing a polka dot dress.
it's like magic.
(and really,
the more i think about it
it might not be the dress itself...
i think maybe it's the polka dots...
because...
the polka dot shoes work, too...both pairs...
and the polka dot skirt
and that polka dot shirt i bought...
wow.
i own a lot of polka dots.)

(truth...the word polka dot is starting to
sound funny...i think i said it too many times)

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♥   ♥   ♥
i often wonder if
it's apparent to people driving by me
that sometimes
i walk the whole way home
trying not to step on any cracks
in the sidewalk...
which means
that sometimes
i have to take extra big steps
and
then 6 tiny steps
followed by jumping to the
left because...well...
because it's fun
and i don't want to break my mother's back
(see, mom.  i'm always thinking about ya!)
i suspect maybe it's not as apparent
as i would hope
and that people probably think
i'm drunk.
heh.

♥   ♥   ♥
speaking of walking home...
why do people insist on stopping for me
at the one crosswalk
that i don't have to cross at?
and then get mad and speed off
when i turn
instead of crossing.
i am literally starting to get stressed
about it now as i come to that intersection...
in my head, i'm like...
they think i am going straight
but i'm going to turn
and now they are waiting for me
but i am going to turn
so i'm just not going to make
eye contact or maybe i should
point to the way i'm turning
or maybe there's some sort of
hand signal
they are expecting...like people on bikes do
but i don't know what that
signal is
and damn it...
now i just stepped on a crack
and
got hit with gravel
as that car sped off all mad cause i didn't cross.

maybe i should just start crossing
even though i'm NOT GOING THAT WAY.

♥   ♥   ♥
i wasn't going to write about
any
of these today.
funny how i sit down here
with one plan in mind
and something else totally different & slightly odd
comes out instead.
i blame the polka dot dress.
or credit.
depends on if you enjoyed this post or not.
heh.
 

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tuesday truths

♥
i've made a lot of new years resolutions this year
but, you'll be relieved to know,
giving up diet coke
was not one of them.

♥♥
i am in love with this show
and cannot believe that more people
are not raving about it...
it. is. so. funny.

♥♥♥
speaking of tv's...
ours decided last night that it no longer
wanted to exist in this world....it finally broke for real...
after warning us for months that this was coming...
which has made us very sad
and slightly panicky...
WE HAVE NO TV.

♥♥♥♥
i almost forgot to tell you this
but it's very, very important.
i loved the book "girl on the train"...
like...loved it....
but ohmygawdthemovie was SO freakin' bad.
and i LOVE emily blunt....normally...
what has happened.
i mean, i am used to and slightly expecting
that a movie is not going to live up to a book
but this....
this was painful.

♥♥♥♥♥
i dropped my phone twice yesterday.
do you have any idea how absolutely
terrifying that is...
if i break my phone,
THERE IS NOTHING TO REPLACE IT WITH
UNTIL THE NOTE 7 STOPS EXPLODING.
it's like carrying around a limited edition
12" EP of little red corvette that was pressed
by Prince himself in his own studio in the backyard
of Paisley Park and autographed
in his own blood
every day...
it can't be replaced and
it could break AT ANY TIME...

♥♥♥♥♥♥
one of the new years resolutions
that i DID make
is to blog more
so...
consider yourself warned.
heh.
but the good thing is
my resolve to follow resolutions
is
generally short lived.
:)