i have chosen my word for 2015.
i think i actually chose it a while ago
but was afraid to commit to it
because it sounded
that's my word.
to me, it's a big word.
a huge word.
a four letter word
full of hazard and danger and possible injury...maybe loss.
but i kept coming back to it.

because i feel i need a change.

because i know i need a change.

a big change.
i need to shake things up...and in order to really, truly, honestly do that...
there is going to be risk involved.

i want to try some new things...
things i have always said i wanted to try (like writing)
and things that i never even knew that i wanted to try (like improv)
i want the freedom to do things with my family...camping, road trips, bbqs
without always always feeling guilty about the editing i am not doing,
the emails that may not get answered the minute they hit the inbox,
the prep & the planning, the client meetings.
i have a full time job already that i love.
was supposed to just be on the side but i have let it go to far.

but it feels like a huge risk to me to say no to a wedding.
and i realized as i was journalling about this that a part of me is
afraid to say no, afraid to slow down the momentum, afraid to get lost in the mix...
because this has become a huge part of the definition of who i am.

strangers stop me and say oh! you're the photographer.

i'm not going to lie.
i like that.
7 or 8 years ago i wrote "i want to be known for something"
and in my tiny little corner of the universe, that kind of feels like it happened.
but now i wonder,
is that all i can be known for?
what if the way i am doing it is not making me happy anymore.

i am going to risk saying no to too many weddings.
and i am going to hope that this gains me time & energy to spend
risking in other areas, other areas outside of my comfort zone.

and really,
it's a win/win.  Slowing down on bookings means that I can become
even more committed to the bookings that i do take on...
i can go a level deeper than i have been able to in the past...
and that is exciting as well.

and in no way do i regret having done 20 weddings each
the past two summers...there was not one wedding in there
that i wish i hadn't done (well...maybe the two that didn't pay me...ever.)
but otherwise....i wouldn't change a thing!