musing on monday


morning pages:  a blurb from january 2013

morning pages at 8 pm on a saturday night
when i feel like i should be having a shower
or lighting a candle or meditating
or folding clothes
and my sweater is too big
and my slippers are too hot and did i just hear the disc that i am burning
pop out and oh...
i'm thirsty, maybe i should have made tea
maybe i could still make tea.
and have a shower
and fold those clothes.
why is it so hard for me to sit at this desk?  why can't i focus?
all day i am racing around to get the house clean
so that i can have this time to myself
and then
i don't know what to do
with myself.
i don't know where to start.
start with just starting.
start with just starting.


happy heart day...

i have mixed feelings
about valentine's day.

on one hand...i don't really care.
it's a fun idea,
it's all right as long as you don't set yourself up for disappointment
with big expectations...

on another hand,
it grates on my nerves...
how does it end up making so many people feel rotten about themselves,
what kind of a "love" day is that...
it's competitive...
facebook is full of flowers and gifts and
hegavemeiboughthimhesentmearen'tweallsoamazingandloved
and so many other people not posting
wondering why aren't i loved
like that.

it's too up and down.
why am i comparing myself, my relationship
to anyone else's.
i am happy.
he is happy.
18-almost-19 years worth of happy
what more do i need?

the fact that he took 13 out this morning and
bought him sneakers cause his were soaked
and got him a haircut...
the way he warms up my side of the bed for me...
the time he spent listening to my vents and rants tonight
AND watched dr phil with me...

those are the things that matter in the end.

not the things that the media and the laws of consumerism say
we should buy to "prove" that we love each other.

{this is totally not the post i planned on writing when i sat down here
but it's what came out and i'm sticking to it.}

happy heart day!
<3 br="">

bite sized baby step decisions...

i'm trying to make a decision.

and it is weighing on me...heavily.

it has occurred to me a number of times
over the past couple of days
that i need to make a decision about this.

soon.

it's not really that it is a big deal...to anyone except me.
chances are...no one else would even really notice....

but i would.

i have kept this blog for almost 8 years.
and, although, it is not a secret blog (i post photos of myself on it)
i don't usually offer it up to people that know me...
i don't link to it on facebook,
i don't use my name in it,
i call my kids by their ages not their names.
i have always liked that little bit of anonymity.
i know there are people i know that have found it
and at first, that was a little disconcerting for me...
but the truth is
i don't put anything on here that might get me in trouble...
i don't rant and rave, i don't talk badly about family or work...
really...i'm pretty narcissistic on here...
it's all about me.
:)

but the truth is
it has occurred to me
that if i am so hung up about people reading my writing
then
how am i ever going to write anything for others to read.
is this a block that is going to hold me back
or HAS been holding me back?
and why do i feel so physically sick about it.
i think that because it feels irrevocable to me...
once done, it can't be undone
at least...not with this blog...i mean...sure...
i could start a new one somewhere and
start all over again...
but i don't really want to do that...

and a part of it comes back to that old
"i don't want to be the weird kid" feeling.
it's funny how long you hold onto things like that.

i'm conflicted.
so for the time being...maybe i can take baby steps.
maybe i can be ok with my photography blog
linking to my personal blog
(which is really what started all this in the first place...)
(that and whether or not to link to it on Pinterest....)

and i realize as i look for labels to attach to this post
that my word for the year is
brave
after all...
and that kind of hits me hard.
and makes me nod.
and think that maybe it really is time to take that step.

anyway...
if all my gut-twisting issues stay this small and insignificant,
i will be grateful...
thanks for sitting through this
:)

a moment on a monday


i stand here
with palms upturned
face toward the sky
and heart cracked wide open
waiting.
i stand here with my back ramrod straight
against the wall,
i stand here on the teetery-tottery ledge.
i stand here with precision and decision.
i stand here with possibility
 and poised to jump
    or fly.
i stand here.


geeking out

so.

i am totally loving my new little keyboard for the ipad...
wireless and a cute little fold up case

i immediately bought the "pages" app from apple
and i am hoping that this will replace my need for a laptop
which had become my main reason for why i felt
i couldn't take writing seriously...
how could i edit if it was all handwritten?
i can't concentrate on the main computer (which is in our living room)
i nnnnnneeeedddded a laptop

but not anymore!
this is working out just fine so far...
:)
i even did my half my homework for the writing group today!
yay me!