life is a decision....

i wrote on the very last page of this journal today.

i was hoping it would take me to the end of december
so i could start a new year with a brand new book
but, i couldn’t make it stretch that far.
i need to write in it every day.

i started this journal in 2017.

part of me wants to burn it.

i have never felt that way about a journal before
but this one just holds so much hurt and sadness
and pieces of a broken smashed up heart.

but…
it also holds a fucking ton of progress.

i try not dwell on the past.
i am a big fan of “what’s done is done…move forward…even if it’s just baby steps”
some days, i’ll admit, that is easier to do than others….
but this little red book holds all my baby steps…
and all my backward slides, too.

but backward slides are to be expected.
in the front of the book, once upon a time, i had written
life is a decision.
and it really is.
every day i decide i am going to find at least
one thing that will make me
laugh really, really hard
and honestly, i meet that goal
every frigging day (usually at my own expense, but still…hahaha)

life is way too short to be sad…
there is ice cream to be eaten, books to be read, music to discover
and dirt roads to be explored…candy stores, gravel pits, road trips…
best friends, beaches, shooting stars, rainbow socks, happy meals…

i am grateful for what i had, we had a lot of really good years….
and two of the sweetest bestest kids i could ever imagine resulted from that…
i would have been lost without them…
and i am grateful that there has been no drama, no anger during the separation…
that had made it easier for sure…for all of us…
but now it’s ok to be excited about the possibilities…
what could the next big adventure be, peewee…
life is a decision.
will you turn right or left?
:)

i got this journal last year for christmas from someone special
and last night, i bought a new purple pen
cause…purple just makes me happy.
and i think we have established
i like to be happy.
:)

so bring on the new year….for once, i’m ready early.
heehee

whatcha readin'? 2019 {book 18::goal 25}

I bought this book on a whim
at a book sale…
I feel like I had seen it around the
internet world and the blogosphere
so thought I would give it a go…

Plus…I like orange.
Heehee.

It was a good book. I don’t regret reading it
but it was kind of up and down for me.
There were moments that I loved it
and it made me laugh out loud
and I thought it was very clever…

but then there were moments that I got
completely bogged down by the politics
and confused on who was who and
what was why and where is that one going
with who?

But I also read this in starts and stops
so that may have been my own fault.

And, for some reason, it reminded me a bit of Forrest Gump.

& speaking of movies, apparently this has been turned into one.

4 out of 5 ♥♥♥♥s
NEXT UP:: A HOUSE IN THE SKY - AMANDA LINDHOLM

wordless wednesday...bokeh hunter :)

bo·keh

/bōˈkā/

Learn to pronounce

nounPhotography

noun: bokeh

1. the visual quality of the out-of-focus areas of a photographic image, especially as rendered by a particular lens.

   "a quick, visual survey of the foreground and background bokeh of a variety of lenses"

whatcha readin'? 2019 {book 17::goal 25}

oh.

Kristin Hannah is one of my
new
favorite authors.

This book made me cry.

In the notes that I keep as I am reading a book
I wrote
that I recognized
qualities of myself
in the mom…just a little bit…
tiny bits and pieces of me here and there
shards of self identity…

And I loved the characters.
The vast and wild description of Alaska.
The reasons behind why we stay
and why we leave.
Home and all it encompasses.

I now want to read everything by her.

5 out of 5 broken ♥♥♥♥♥’s
NEXT UP:: THE 100 YEAR OLD MAN WHO CLIMBED OUT THE WINDOW & DISAPPEARED - JONAS JONASSON

5 happy things on a sunday...

i started this blog like…
14 years ago…
which kinda blows my mind
a little bit.

when i first started blogging,
it was such a great thing for me…
i have always been a little odd,
felt a little bit “on the edges” of belonging
but here,
in the internet…
i thrive.
i connect.
and it gave me the confidence to
let that spill out a little bit
into the real world, which has changed my life, in very good ways.

for the first 10 or 12 years I had this blog,
i didn’t tell anyone about it.
i didn’t share it.
i didn’t use my real name on it.
if you found me back then,
you found me by accident.

well, obviously, I have gone in the opposite direction now.
:)

But only because people are so nice about it
and seem genuinely interested or least tolerant of my
ramblings and going-ons. Heehee.

Anyway, Liz (who was always one of my most favorite bloggers)
used to do a thing called 5 really good things…
i’m not sure if she still does regularly
but i thought about that tonight as i wanted to share
some things that made me happy on a dark Sunday night….

(also, go read this post by her. Sigh. This is why she was my favorite blogger.)

5 happy things on a sunday

1. jujubes (pronounced ju-ju-beez) … especially the green ones…and the red…

2. my mom’s homemade spaghetti

3. laughing so hard i can’t breathe at my parent’s house, spending the afternoon with them & 20.

4. a 2 hour friday night phone call with my girl

5. catching up on old blogs i used to read & finding new ones

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