the only way forward is through....

it’s here.

new years eve.
the last day of 2023.
the last year i will
have seen my dad in….
talked to him…
said “you ok, dad?”
sitting with him
while he smoked on the back step…
taking him outside for a smoke
from various hospitals
or see him so happy over
cold, cold water or ice cold ginger ale.

2023 holds the last time
i made him laugh…
heard him say my name
or call out love ya
as i was leaving.

because this time he was the one
who had to leave.

and it’s hard to leave 2023
for that reason alone.

knowing 2024 will only hold
memories of him.

up until today, I was all yes!
a new year! i’m ready!

but now that i am on the cusp of it,
part of me wants to rewind
instead of fast forward
or at least stand still
but i know that can’t be.

the only way forward is through.

this is not what i came here to write
but there it is.

The days are passing by...

The tree is down and out…
the presents are all put away…
the meat pie all eaten,
the Christmas specials all watched.

These are the days
that I look forward to now…
those limbo transient days
between the bustling busy-ness & stress of Christmas
and the quiet, introspective
silence of the days in between the old year
and the new.

This Christmas was a mix
of hard and soft,
good but sad,
present but also with one foot
in the past
missing our dad.

There is no way it could be anything else.
A teetering balance, a towering loss,
a tenuous hold on keeping it together.
There were new traditions made,
a tradition you would sooner not have to make…
visiting him somewhere you don’t want him to be….
you want him in his chair,
you want to hear him laughing and
calling your name when you walk in the room.

But the first Christmas without him is over now.

I have been rereading my journal from 2023
as I always do.
And I knew that this year would be hard to read.
Bittersweet. I’m glad that I journaled as much as I did.
I realize now how much it helped me
to work though things…even though I
did not feel prepared at the time…
you can’t be. There is no preparation.
There only is what there is.

But the journal helped.
Especially the little bits of gratefulness
scattered throughout it.

RANDOM THINGS I WAS GRATEFUL FOR - 2023 EDITION
(a sampling)

my red & white striped pjs
pineapple & ham on pizza
no water in basement
milk carton kids
sweater dresses
maple cookies
the crow and the clementine
pugs & cats sharing the same patch of sunlight
loud rumbly cars
dad’s good days
TMNT socks
the big orange house
my dad’s laugh/making my dad laugh (various versions of this)
lilacs
the chicken i saw crossing the road sunday
no headache
the flowers on the tree for one last season
baloney sandwiches
how dad resigned himself to the fact that i was not going to go home (she’s so stubborn)
his little jig
dad telling the lost paramedic story
emma’s tattoo for dad
soft crusty bread
motorcycle rides
making emma laugh
dad’s reaction to that room (and the couch that I could sleep on instead of a chair)
cozy girl playlist
me trying to light dad’s cigarette…and how hard we laughed
chickadees
surprise sesame street socks
salt sauna
hearing dad’s voice in videos
♥♥♥

whatcha readin'? {goal 40::books 8-10}

Still trying to catch up on this…
so here are books 810 and
no sad commentary this time.
♥

Slammed - Colleen Hoover
♥♥♥ out of 5 hearts
I had no notes on this
but I don’t think it made a big impression on me.
It was….ok.
I think I was hoping for more
but I also read this at a stressful time
so that might have played into my
feelings as well.

The Book of Gothel - Mary McMyne
♥♥♥♥♥ out of 5 hearts
This had everything I love…
beautiful, haunting writing,
fairy tale vibes obviously
as it is a retelling of rapunzel…
my notes were
"I didn’t want it to end”

Bone Black - bell hooks
♥♥♥ out of 5 hearts
I enjoyed this but I have to admit
that it felt like short stories
and I have never done short stories well.

NEXT UP: 5 more (and one of them is a 5 heart rating!)

the truth is....i don't know how to do this...

not that anyone
knows
how to do this…
how to say goodbye cleanly
and precisely.

there is no
clean and precise
happening here.

there is
up and down
high and low
in and out
over and under…

there is messy
and out of sorts.
there are spells
of manic haphazard planning
I will do this!
I will go here!
I will make this!
followed by endless
heavy eyed under the cover naps.

i don’t know
how to not talk or think
about him.

this is the strange part
of this journey i think…
the stark sharp jagged broken bits of sadness
are jumbled up with
the soft warm and fuzzy memories
and the bouncy bright colored plans
are mingled with
red hot sizzling bouts of
irritation and annoyance
when little things chafe your skin
in an unexpected way.

and you feel like a
kaleidoscope….
except you are having
trouble finding the pattern,
seeing the pretty in it…
right now…
it’s all just rumbling
around in there,
churning out whatever it wants
at any given moment.

so you come here
and word vomit onto the page
like a purge,
a release….

a momentary reprieve.

the truth is
i don’t know how to do this.
but this is what i do.
i type.
i drink tea with lemon.
i watch the droplets of water
hold onto the branches
and reflect the upside down world to me
in a way that makes sense.

and i wait.

because I know this will not pass
but it will ease.
I will always talk about him every day.
I will always think about him every day.
I won’t cry every day.
And most days, I will laugh.
Because
isn’t that the point?
of this strange and inexplicable life…
to live and laugh and love
and if that makes me a cliche,
eff it. I’ll take it. ♥

so no.
i don’t know how to do this.
who does?
there is no right
there is no wrong
there is only through.
and allowing yourself (and others)
grace.

it will be ok.
and it’s ok
to have days
that are not ok.

ok?

wordless wednesday