a moment frozen in time

friday june 29th 2012.

my husband was out with some friends
on his motorcycle.
i had gotten a text from him at around 9
telling me he was leaving a friend's place
and was on his way home.

i didn't hear from him again
and thought maybe he stopped at another friend's
as he sometimes does.
i went to bed, not really concerned...

at 1:02 am, i called his cell.
he didn't answer.

i figured the phone was dead or it was just loud where he was...
i went back to bed.

for some reason,
at 1:10 am, i called his cell again.

he answered this time

but he was yelling
and saying that he was in the ditch,
that he didn't know where he was,

i got out of bed and put on my pants,
i asked him where he was,
he said he didn't know
he just kept yelling...he didn't know where he was,
he was scared, he was alone,
he couldn't feel his fucking legs.

i got in the car while i had him on the phone
i kept asking him if he could see something he recognized,
finally he mentioned a grain elevator i recognized...
i drove there.
as i pulled up by a field, he started saying slow down, slow down,
i think i can see your headlights.

i put on my four way flashers and got out of the car.
i couldn't see him anywhere.
i yelled for him and couldn't hear him.
he was still on the phone and was saying
"i am waving my arm, can you see me, i am waving my arm"
i couldn't see him.

he held the phone up and then i could see the light of the phone,
i could see where he was,
i ran down through the ditch and into the field to where he was laying on his back
with both his legs bent at a bit of an odd angle.
there was no blood but he couldn't move his legs.

at 1:26 am, i called 911.

the next hour or so, i knelt by his head and stroked his hair
while we waited for paramedics, while they cut his clothes off,
while they braced his neck and back
and put him on a stretcher and pumped him full of morphine
and carried him out of the field.

i stroked his hair and kissed his forehead
and repeated the mantra of
"it's going to ok...it's going to be all right...everything is going to be fine...i'm not going anywhere"
while he asked me repeatedly to stay with him...to never leave him.

a fireman threw up.

they took him to our local hospital first.
for 3 hours, i stood outside his room and listened to him
groan with incredible pain as they readjusted his dislocated knee
and prepared him for cat scans and x rays
i signed papers and gave consent and held my breath.
they gave me his helmet and his belt.
his brown leather belt.
when they took him for the CT to rule out internal bleeding
and brain/back/neck injuries, i sat in the darkened room
in a square brown plastic-y leather chair
and stroked his belt against my cheek and begged that he would be ok...
that he would be ok...that he would be ok...

the nurses came in and asked me if there was someone i wanted to call.
family...a friend...someone...
and i just shook my head no.
i don't want to talk.  i don't want consolation.  i don't want distraction.

and when they walked away
i realized
that the only person
that i really wanted at this moment,
the only person that could give me consolation, comfort or distraction
was the person they were wheeling down the hall
away from me...

i didn't cry until the doctor came back after the CT and said
there were no signs of internal bleeding, no signs of damage to his back or brain or neck...
i felt as though i had been holding onto my breath until that point,
and when he said that
i felt it all rush out of me...
like a small storm...like a torrent of releif

they sent him to another hospital 45 minutes away saturday morning
for surgery...he has had two surgeries so far and is in halifax right now
waiting for a third...
he had dislocated his left knee and torn at least 2 ligaments in it,
broke his left femur,
dislocated his right knee and tore all the ligaments in it as well as shattered the knee...
dislocated his right ankle and broke/fractured bones in his foot,
possibly cracked or seperated a rib or two,
bruised his back and abdomen
and pulled ligaments in his thumb...

but it could have been so much worse.

no one saw it happen.

if i hadn't phoned him when i did, no one would have known that's where he was.
you would never, ever have seen him from the road, even in the light of day.
we don't know if he was unconcious the first time i called
and that's why he didn't answer...

i feel like i am still in shock.
i spent the whole week sleeping in a wooden chair by his bed
so that i could be right there if he needed me...i rarely left his side.
but i had to come home because they kept delaying the last surgery
and the kids needed me too...
we have never been away from them for a weekend much less a week
and never under circumstances like this.

it all feels so surreal.

 the scary, scary before and after.  :(

i am thankful, i am so so so very thankful.
he was incredibly lucky...and the outpouring from friends and family
has been amazing...it makes me teary eyed just to think about it.

and it makes me sick to my stomach to think of what could have been.

but i am incredibly grateful for the extra time i have been given with him.
i will hold it tight with both hands.