this is possibly
the longest
i have ever
been away
from here.

and i feel it.

i am wound too tight
i am swimming in my stress levels
and breathing in my
own battered self confidence.

today started with kind of a rotten morning
with the realization that my
self confidence is very, very easily shaken
and makes me wonder
why that is
and is it only in my abilities with the camera
that i feel that way
or is it hiding in other aspects of my life...
today's did revolve around the camera
but opened other questions for me...

part of me wants to stop doing weddings,
stop doing family photos,
stop doing any photos for money
to doing
for me

back to when it was fun.

it used to be how i relaxed.

somewhere along the way,
that changed.

i need to really think about this...
what i do know is that today,
when i thought i was going to throw in the towel
and not take on any more weddings
besides what I am already committed to---
i felt a huge sigh of releif
and the weight of the world lifting off me.

time could be mine again.

photography could be fun again.

that warrants some serious consideration.