i feel like summer
is flying by
in the blink of an eye…
and it makes me panicky.
Scared that it will be gone
before I know it,
and painfully aware
that I cannot control it.

That’s my biggest fear, you know.
Things that are out of my control.
It’s why I always want to be the driver.
Why I am scared to fly.
Why I am hesitant to date.
I don’t like to be in situations
that feel out of my control
and I really, really don’t like
to be around people
who are out of control
and chaotic and loud…and unpredictable.

It’s why I like to be alone.
Alone is safe.
Even with a leaky roof,
home is predictable. It’s a cocoon
full of all the things
I love.

And my fear of loss of control
has gotten worse
since I had no control over
losing the people
I loved most.

I came here to write about fairies
and new markers and
to justify paying for this website
even though
i barely use it
but instead some truth leaked out
because, apparently, in that
i have no control.

Tomorrow I’ll show you my new markers.
🤭