oddball dream...

so.

i had a dream sunday night
that i was at a craft fair of some sort,
which seemed to be taking place
in my old high school partly
and partly in the mall i used to work at...

while looking for something to buy,
i came across a number of babies
that were, apparently, for sale...
i remember thinking how i did not want a baby,
would not want another baby,
will never have another baby
and continuing on...

until i came to a room that had another baby
and when i looked at it,
the saleswoman said, "oh. that baby is broken."
i picked up the baby
as she continued to tell me that they
already had to remove part of its leg
and that its ear would have to be fixed
at a later date.

i asked the woman if i bought the baby
would all insurance and whatever come with it?
would the operations and surgeries be covered?
and she said yes.
i decided that someone had to buy this baby
and probably no one would
so that someone became me
and i went to look for my husband to tell him
that we had to buy the broken baby.

then i woke up.
and i had a fleeting panicky feeling that
what if i was actually pregnant
right now?
what if that was why i had that dream?
i mean i know that i'm not
but
it kinda freaked me out.

jingle jingle...

i have spent the afternoon
quiet
and
alone

searching for christmas songs
and recipes for a good garlic-y lemon-y
vinaigrette
and listening to seether, rosie thomas,
bif naked, and the decemberists
among others...

i'm contemplating
cracking open that borrowed book
(the historian)
or finally breaking down and ripping
the plastic off the magazine i've been
eagerly
hoarding...

sigh...what a sweet saturday.

chicken scratchings...

what is it about the
lure and promise
of a
real
letter...
not an email,
not a phone call,
not a message,
not even a face-to-face conversation
but the physical
hold- in-your- hand
anticipation- of- the- mailman
kind of letter...
the color of the envelope
the texture of the paper
the sometimes indeciperable chicken scratchings...
the knowing that someone
cared enough
to go to that trouble
to write to you
and mail it even...

and the hidden surprise sometimes
of a packet of sesame street stickers
or a cd of music that you don't already know...
sigh...
i
love
letters...

and i am as good of a giver
as i am a receiver...
there is something about writing
that pries open that
habitually reserved
part of me
and exposes it a bit...

for what it is.

is someone trying to tell me something?

my mother is catholic.
my father is as well, although, i sometimes suspect
he is only because thats what my mother told him he was.

when we were kids we didn't go to church regularly
but once we started school,
we were required to attend
catechism or religion class as we called it...
i believe sincerely and honestly and deep in my heart
that it was the "requirement" to attend these classes
that eventually turned me cold
against organized religion.

the area that surrounded our school
was very catholic
and very close knit...
we came to the area from "in town"
and didn't speak french
with the exception of my father
and my mother worked outside the home
when most mothers didn't...
and
we didn't attend church on a regular basis
so
you can imagine
we were a little on the outside
when it came to community...

which was fine,
in most respects...
except for religion class
where i felt so lost and alone and stupid
and knew that the other kids
(who were also in my class at school)
knew that i didn't go to church
and knew as sure as shootin'
that i was going to hell...

i didn't know the prayers, the rituals, the meanings
i just pretended and tried to go along
to get along
but most of the time
i was clueless and anxious and guilt-ridden...
and when i was paranoid that the girls at the next table
were whispering and giggling
and that i was the subject,
i'm sure i was usually right in that assumption...

that said,
however...
there is a church
a beautiful, stone church
as high as the eye can see
that draws me in
and envelops me
in wonder...
but is it only my love of great, vast buildings?
or is it something deeper?

i continually have had some sort of run-in with this church
over my whole life really,
from going to see it on a field trip in grade six
to renting an apartment within looking-out-the-window
distance from it during university...

i wonder.
i wonder.
i wonder.

i feel great...

its friday.

the kid's noses are not running nearly to the excess
that they have been.

we are going to a "family story-telling night"
tonight at my kid's school.

i got to go for a walk this morning and it was gorgeous...
the smells of wood burning and leaves and wetness
and exhaust fumes (which i love by the way).

i went for a meeting with an employment counseller
who i really felt that i connected with and i feel
very positive about how things went and how things
may be able to proceed in my future.

i am going to have a bag of doritos and diet coke
during the kid's nap time and read my new
"style at home" magazine.

by the end of november, we should hopefully be
ALL caught up in our bills...just in time for christmas
heehee.

i got an email from my best friend regarding
the housewarming gift i got her and the card
i made for her and she said "only my
best friend knows what to get me"
(we are not very "gushy" people...
that was huge for me)

its sunny.

its friday.