tuesday musings....

first of all,
before anything else...
i want to say
that i woke up with the
heaviness of the date
on my mind
and my heart goes out to all
who have been touched
in any way by the past events
of this sad date.

and...
actually...
i was going to show my
birthday present
(which i am SO excited about)
but somehow,
after saying that...
it doesn't feel right.

it feels as though
i should wait
and do that another day.

and so,
i will.

(but i do want to say thank you for
the sweet birthday wishes...)

this blog is being brought to you today by the number 37.

today
i am 37.

because 2007 subtract 1970
equals
37.

years.

i am ok with my age...
because i don't feel any age...
or rather,
i feel a different age every day...
it is squiggly and indeterminable and
liquid, this idea of age...
what is it really?

and why the power?

the number of years, the accumulation of days,
the markings scratched onto the wall of my life
proving that i was here?
but i am here.

regardless of my age.

which is 37.

today.

basketcase.

there they stand...
ready to take on the day...
to be cool and have fun and be open
and learn and laugh and make new friends.

what you don't see in this picture
is where their mom stands on the sidewalk,
watching from behind a line of cars to make sure
that she goes into her new junior high school...that she has found her friends,
that she doesn't look upset, that she doesn't look lost.

you don't see the mom standing outside
the grade three door, making sure that he finds his seat,
that he doesn't look sad, that he doesn't glance towards the door,
in expectation of seeing her still there...in expectation of
familiar reassurance.

you don't see the mom get in her quiet car
and silently but surely hyperventilate
in order not to break down and cry...
did she tell her enough, did she warn her about drugs enough,
did she tell her she was not to leave the school yard...
why didn't she work with him more on tying his shoes,
did he have everything he was supposed to have?
did she pack enough in their lunches? we need to buy vitamins.

and drive back to an empty home.

september

september is one of my favorite months...

don't get me wrong,
i mourn the end of summer as much as the next person.

yet i crackle with anticipation
of the routines ahead of me,
schedules and plans,
lists and consistency.

it is the virgo in me, i'm sure.

i gave the house a vigorous housecleaning
on the weekend...
started looking for new things to knit
and have actually picked up the needles again...
i have picked out what book i will begin
reading to the kids for bedtime reading again
(the golden compass, in anticipation of this...)
i am making lists
and menus
and plans...

i do love september.

affairs.

i have fallen in love...
i am smitten
and lost...

i spend my days daydreaming,
doodling, planning and scheming
and yet
feel guilty
and even a little silly.

i am cheating on my house.
i have fallen in love with another.

it is not the house
so much as the area it is in...
hilly and farm-patched...
colors as far as the eye can see.
a beach that is
sublime...
a village full of artists and actors.

sigh.