friday i'm in love...

SNAPSHOT OF WHAT I AM LOVING RIGHT NOW:

♥ i love yoga with adrienne…I really do.
But I have been doing it forever and felt
I was ready to change it up a little.
I tried this guy’s yoga challenge
and I gotta say…
it’s a challenge.
I may have yelled at the tv today.
”HOW MUCH LONGER FOR THIS
EFFING POSE”

Heh. Not very zen, I know. :)

♥ pb&j toast while sitting in a patch of sunlight

♥ pigeons

♥ perfectly ripe bananas

♥ getting to 130 earned/put away
for my sesame street lego…but i have
noticeably slowed down in this…
mostly because of….

♥ …..this.
this is jelly bean….
i am SERIOUSLY in love with my little
kicky kicks car.

part of me wants to add
some black polka dots
on the body
and make it a lady bug…
heh.

tuesday truths...

• the truth is i have a home energy assessment thing
  scheduled for today
  and i am full of nervous anxiety…
  you forget what your house
  might look like to others,
  that don’t know you…
  that don’t know your story.
  it’s the broken-down ramp,
  the sketchy doors,
  the trimless upstairs windows,
  my well intentioned but somewhat sad
  attempts at spray foam,
  my clay basement,
  my muddy messy yard,
  my christmas tree still on the deck…
  not to mention the living room
  of smurfs, robots and
  hopeful vision boards.

• the truth is
  i feel like i move backwards
  almost as much as
  i move forward sometimes…
  i feel like sometimes
  after a big step forward,
  i am frozen for a bit.
  but i think that’s ok.
  it’s like finding your balance….
  it’s ok to rest a moment,
  get your bearings,
  reset your course if you have to…
  take a breath.
  stand still.

• the truth is
  it’s hard to push yourself
  out of your comfort zone
  but once you do it…
  it’s kinda freeing.
  exhilarating.
  yesterday i wanted to cancel
  this assessment…
  i wanted to cry…sulk…kick things…
  i was mad at myself for booking it…
  but i know
  that when it is over,
  i will feel so much better that i did it,
  whether it helps me or not financially,
  at least it’s done.
  :)

• the truth is
  i tend to turn
  little things
  into
  big things.
  heh.
  

whatcha readin'? 2021 {goal 35::book 5}

I love Jann Arden.

I always have.
I remember working at the Barn (university bar)
when she played there.
I was working the door
and complained to everyone
going in and coming out
that I wanted to be inside…
I wanted to see her…
I wanted to meet her…
I wanted to be her best friend.

Finally, I think someone must have told her
because she came out
and gave me a bone crushing hug.
And then, I was happy and stopped
whining which likely made
everyone else happy, too.

But I digress.

I have had 2 of her books on my list
for a long time…
but didn’t realized that there was an
earlier one so, being the
meticulous “read/watch
everything in order” person
that I am, I had to get it.

And it was good.
I learned a lot about her that I
did not know and it was interesting
to read about her journey…
and about her family.

I can’t wait to start the next two books.

4 ♥s out of 5
NEXT UP:: THE LITTLE BOOKS OF LYKKE- MIEK WIKING

there was a time...

there was a time when i thought
i would never
be happy
again.

i want to say that i always knew
that i would be
ok
but even that
is not true…not fully true,
if i am 100 per cent perfectly, brutally and completely
fucking honest.

i can’t lie.
i had some very dark moments
back when my life felt like it
was starting to really crumble
around me,
a house of cards
slip-sliding away from me
and no matter how tightly
i held on,
it wasn’t tight enough.
things felt out of my control,
and i don’t like that feeling…
not at all.

i remember driving that white rental car
late one night
driving way too fast
on roads i didn’t know
in the dark
and every tree on the side of the road
looked like a reprieve,
like i could just veer hard to the right
and slam myself into not feeling
this way
anymore…
every oncoming set of lights
from a transfer truck
looked like an invitation,
an escape,
a solution.

i was scared.
petrified. terrified. sad. hurt. crushed.
laid bare.

I couldn’t do it that night
or any of the following nights
that i took that same drive.
the kids.
i couldn’t.

for a long time after that,
after i stopped taking that late night drive
i was better - on the outside - i was functional…
but on the inside
i was hollow.
empty.
a shell.

i was just going through the motions.

but this morning
i sat down to journal
and thought…
i am honestly truly so fucking happy
right now.
i am happy.
i am not pretending to be happy.
I am happy.

2.5 years later.

when they tell you time heals
and you feel like
throat punching them
because you are
in the thick of it and
”time heals”
feels like garbage
and a cliche
and useless and like
what you say
when you don’t know
what else to say…
but
it’s true.
or at least, it was for me.

(This is in no way a slight or blame on
anyone…marriages end everyday.
it’s a fact. even 20 year marriages.
life happens. we grow, we change, we move on…
and i am grateful EVERY DAY
for the 20 years we had…
i would not change a day
and i do not regret a moment of it ♥ )

but i do think about this
all the time
when i look at other people…
and think
i don’t know their story…
i think about it all the time
when i remember how
secretive i was…
i have never ever told anyone
about those nights in the
rental car…
and i don’t say it here for
drama or pity or whatever…
i can say it now because
i am so far past it.

i have been very lucky in my life…
i have a strong network of friends and family
that would have happily supported me
if i had let them in.
(but it’s hard to admit that you are broken…)

but it’s just that
we don’t always know
what others,
even those closest to us,
are going through.

and to be kind.

you never know
when that little bit of kindness
could be the tipping point
in the right direction.
(and if you are broken right now…
it’s ok to admit that you are broken…
it really is. It really is ok to not be ok.)

enough sappiness for one saturday.
the sun is shining,
my camera is calling me.

there are adventures to be had
and doughnuts to be eaten.
:)

flyin' purple people eater....

I have wanted
purple converse
for as long as I can remember.

They were on
countless lists-of-things-i-absolutely-must-have
from about grade 10 on…
(along with a Far West jacket,
double tape deck and a CD walkman)
(oh and a pink telephone
that came with a LOCK
for in my room)

Everything I wore
in high school
was purple…
shoes, tank tops, sweaters,
socks, hair bows…
my binders, my duotangs, my pens…
the marker I used to
write Billy Idol Rulez
and I ♥ Prince
on every desk I sat at
was purple
(that’s how I always got caught).

I started a vision board
and one of the first things
on it was purple converse.

A couple days later,
they showed up
in my facebook ads…
(likely because I printed
a photo of them for my board,
not just because they were ON my board…)
but they were on sale…
and for once, I had the money for them
so I thought
well…that’s a big enough sign.
So I bought them.
And they came today. :)

Now I just need the snow to go away.
:)