there are a number of things that I know right now...

i know that the chocolate brownies in the oven right
this very second
are making my mouth water and my stomach growl
even though
i just ate a huge thanksgiving meal at my parent's house.

i know that although i am feeling
totally overwhelmed with all the other things going on in my life right now
{lots of them good things, but overwhelming nonetheless}
i am also feeling an extremely hard gut-punching pull
towards finding time to notice me again...
to play, to look inside, to express, to relax, to create.

i know that when i look at blogs like this and this,
my heart burns and my stomach jumps and my fingers itch
to start, to delve back into that part of my life...
to write, to make things, to do things just for me again...
as much as i love doing weddings and photo sessions,
that can't be where all my creativity goes...

i know that being at my parent's house
again today for the first time in forever-it-feels
was competely and totally awesome.
watching my brothers playfight with 12-almost-13
and 17, too...just like when she was a kid
made me so unbelievably, unbearably happy...
it was good day, a day to be thankful for.

tuesday truths...

i am aware of how fast
life is rushing past me
and somedays
{a lot of days}
i feel like i am just caught up in it's current
of to-do lists
and doctor's appointments,
physio
and phone calls from the school,
deadlines,
meeting times,
answering emails,
missed phone calls...
running to catch up
feeling like i am constantly
falling behind.

and realizing this has become a sad refrain
here...the same story told
just using different words.

so in the last couple of days
when i found time to sit and watch
12-almost-13 show me {countless} videos on minecraft...
when i listened to 17's storys about boys and school
and tried to just listen and not interject...
when i realized that suddenly
almost by mistake
we were all sitting on the couch again
watching america's funniest home videos
like we used to every sunday,
i just try to slow that moment down
and breathe it in...
cautiously, slowly, not to disturb, not to cause notice...
but just to give me something to hold onto
when i am caught up in the current...

small stolen moments

this morning i am:
sleepy-eyed and hair standing on end
sitting in a winnie the pooh bathrobe
by the light of the computer
tapping tapping tapping
morse code the only way i know how
random thoughts and fluttering wings
no lunches made
not ready for the day to begin.

trying to find my way back to me.

little bits of sweetness at 6 am

  • a belated birthday supper with 2 of my bestest friends that i have known since grade one...
  • the feeling of sinking into a routine...comforting and warm and reliable
  • S is doing so much better every day...each leg getting a little bit stronger...
  • sliced cucumber in a bowl sprinkled with salt and a pepper with a squirt of lemon juice
  • watching the middle and modern family again and the fact that 12-almost-13 still wants to do that with us
  • 12-almost-13's magic trick with a paper bag and a ball made of air
  • 17 settling in to a new school year even without her best friend there (he graduated the year before) and the rekindling of one of her childhood friendships...she seems happy and i love to see her happy.
  • being able to find a little time to get here again....
  • fall.  crisp leaves and flocks of geese flying outside my window...3 V formations mixing together to form one...