shooting straight from the hip...

I considered taking my time and writing this out beforehand
so that I could be sure that I would get my intended feelings
and emotions across. Then I changed my mind and decided
to write it as it comes to let it come uninhibited and
unchecked. To let it be as real as it can.

I was late doing my chapter in artist's way. I had totally
forgotten about it on the weekend as I had a visit from
the unexpected cleaning frenzy mood. This week has
pretty much sucked. I am worried about money.
We are waiting for my husband's employment insurance
to start up. A parent of a child I look after had bad
news concerning her employment, which, in turn
affects my employment. The oil company sent us
a letter stating that they will not deliver more oil
until we pay what we currently owe, which, obviously,
at this point, we cannot. My job leaves me feeling
lacking, to say the very least.

Tonight I sat down to read Artists Way and it is
all about money and God. Two frustrating and
elusive subjects for me.

I truly want to beleive in "do what you want
and the money will follow"...but what if you don't
know what it is you want to do? I know what
I don't want to be doing. Is it my path in life
though to keep working through this monotonous
sometimes painful process of elimination? Do
I have to keep trying things in order to realize
thats not for me? How long could this take?
How long can I go on like this? I talked about
this with my (past) instructors a couple of weeks
ago and they said maybe this is me...maybe
this is who i am...a dabbler, a changeling, a
try-this-for-awhile-kinda-girl. I don't know.
I guess I could try it for awhile to see how it fits.

My second issue is God. How long can I go without
deciding what I beleive? How long can I get away
with ambivalence and "set" pat answers...I
beleive but I don't beleive in organized religion
kind of answers. AW asks if you grew up with
issues surrounding religion, is it possible you have
a "toxic god"? And how would a nontoxic god
view your creativity? These questions both hit
home for me and reverberated within me.

I don't know what I beleive. I look inside
but all that I see is empty. I remember being
at a wedding at a beautiful church and all I
could think of at the time was of somehow
accosting the priest and asking him how????
how do you get that faith? where does it
come from? what does it feel like? is it tangible?
is it concrete? why don't i?

and when i try to feel it..anything...something...
all i get phoniness and fakiness and cynicism from
within. Is that a version of my inner critic? My
inner cynic?

I just don't know. I've got morals. I've got virtues.
I have beleifs and expectations and standards.
I believe in treating others as you would like to be treated.
Is that going to be enough? Do I need more than that?

On a sidenote, I wonder if it was somehow synchronicity
that caused me to be three days late reading this chapter
so that I could be reading it on the very day that
money seems to be my biggest concern.

Money and God.
Slippery subjects.