it's no secret...but there is a revelation

i don't think it's been a secret that i've been
a little lately

with family issues
with money issues
doubting myself in so many
of my life...
as a mother
as a wife
as a daughter
as a photographer
as a friend
as a person
as an artist
as a writer
as a blogger

i'm not sure what i am going through.

somedays it feels like adolescence

i'm not sure who i am
i'm not sure where i'm going
i feel like every day i'm putting on a new face
and wondering
is this me? is this who i am.
is that what i represent?
is this where i'm going?

i feel like i am on a roller coaster of emotion
and for the first time in my life
the lows have been
extremely fucking low.
low like i don't think i can get out of bed.
low like the feeling of suffocation.
and i can't breathe.
and disconnect.
like i just don't want to think anymore.
like i just can't think anymore.
like i just don't want to care anymore.

yesterday felt like a turning point for me.

a culmination of rotten-ess eventually saw me
running up the stairs in tears an hour before my son's
birthday party feeling like a failure feeling like i suck as a mom
and throwing myself on my bed in hot angry uncontrollable tears
and then bursting into tears on the way to walmart
and again at the checkout.

but then.
the revelation.
which came when my brother and his wife got here
and one of my best childhood friends
and as the party went on
i realized
it didn't matter.

i realized that when i let go of the picture in my head
of how the party should be
when i let go of all the reasons it couldn't be the party
my mind thought it should be
when i let go of thinking of how other people might think
the party should be
and just let the kids, namely the party...
it would be ok.
there were balloons and noise and music and utter chaos
there was laughter.
so much laughter...and conversations shouted out above
the balloon warfare...and stories told...and chocolate cake.

and i realize now
that i have to let go a little.
that i am killing myself with my own expectations of myself.
that i am suffocating myself.
i am doing this.
no one else is doing it to me.
i am doing it.

so today.
saturday october 30 2010
i am making a pact with myself
to ease up.
to let go.
to laugh a little more
and stress a lot less.

{and if you have made it through this long post to
the end, i am wondering if anyone else has felt this way at 40?
is this what mid life crisis is?
i would love to hear from anyone that might
recognize themselves in this...
if only to justify my own behavior to myself
and know that i am not losing my mind.}