i am trying to ground myself this morning
on a dark, rainy saturday
where the house is messy
and the dishes are cluttered and undone.
bagpipe christmas music playing
to try to calm my fraying nerves.
last minute editing knowing that i won't have time later
as my boy is in the Christmas parade 45 minutes away
and we try to shop for Christmas
but my heart just isn't in it yet.

i feel like there is too much going
so many loose ends flapping around in the wind...
weddings not done yet,
money coming in but never enough...
i feel like everything is blowing around
i can't
catch it
and hold it
at once...
i grasp bits and pieces
but enough
to make the picture whole
for more than a moment or two.

i won that spot in the photography course
but can't even find time to read the information
much less get near my camera.

i'm running on empty.

hyperventilating and trying to remind myself to calm the fuck down.

things are getting better, things are getting better, things are getting better...
but sometimes i think maybe that is the irony in it all,
things are getting better and then i start worrying about the things that are
no longer in my control...S can drive now, i should be happy
but i worry about him out on his own, what if someone comes too close
and hits his cane, his leg is still so fragile and unstable...
i worry and i worry and i worry.

i need to let go.
chill out.
calm down.

it will all come together.  you just had a busy week and now things have fallen behind.
when the house is cluttered, you get stressed...that is all that this is.

this is not what i meant to write here today.
but part of me thinks that if i don't start just coming here
and will never happen.
and i feel better now.