tuesday truths...being present

as part of my
#glow2021
word for the year,
i have been trying to
be present
more of the time,
for all the little things
as well as the big.

noticing.
listening.
feeling.
absorbing.

i am trying to be conscious
of my day to day life….
of my fingers
clicking on the keyboard,
rolling the words
i want to say
around in my mouth
like candy,
sweet and sour,
soft and chewy.

i eat slower
focusing on each bite,
letting myself savor the saltiness,
the blackberries that burst with juice,
sip my tea slowly,
watching the steam curl above
the polka dot mug.

i put my phone on “focus” time…
no access to social media
helps me to fight the urge to
constantly check it
which was a hard itch not to scratch at first
but is getting easier
and makes me feel calmer.

i watch one show a night
so i have to be picky about what that will be.
then the rest of the night
is either reading, yoga, editing photos, drawing or
just listening to cowboy junkies
and leonard cohen
in the semi darkness of the remaining
christmas lights
in my living room
with a pug on one side
and a cat by my shoulder.

hot showers.
vanilla candles.
looking out the window for the sunrise,
for the sunset.
fuzzy socks.
early bedtimes with a heated blanket.
counting my breaths…
finding my focus,
listening and paying attention.

♥♥♥

tuesday truths...(the one where i use big words...)

there is
something
about online learning
or learning
new things
in general
that just makes me
so excited…
like…
weirdly so.

words like
stochastic components,
parameters,
velocity,
resistance,
randomness,
parity…..

quantitative,
synapses,
axon, neuron,
dendrites…
tessellation….

just give me
this strange little
adrenaline rush

like sugar
for my
brain.

tuesday truths - right now...

right here,
right now….
i am happy.

happier and more content
than i have been in a long time.

i’m not even really sure why.
but then i think
why question it?
just accept it.

i hated working from home at first
but i am loving it right now…
i miss seeing everyone
but i love waking up
and getting outside for a quick
early morning walk,
the birds chirping,
sun shining…
checking the garden on my way back…
starting my workday
with stretches and tea,
soft music,
maybe a candle…
or just knowing i can open the window
and let the breeze in…
cat & pug snuggle breaks throughout the day…

i am settling into a routine that
i am honestly loving.

i always, always
heart
summer
but this one feels different.

i feel like
overnight
i let go of something
heavy,
something
i didn’t even realize
i had been holding on to…

and the feeling of
lightness
is hard to explain.

i feel like i can breathe again.
♥

tuesday truths - methods of madness

Every time I cut the grass,
I imagine how it must look
to an observer….
and likely
how frustrating
it would be for someone
who is a perfectionist,
precise and logical
to watch me
cut the lawn.

Because I feel my methods
are neither precise nor
logical.

I start in the front yard
and refuse to shut the lawn mover off
once I have started
because I am afraid
that will be my signal
to give up
and go get ice cream.

Instead,
I run it as I take to the backyard
which would be fine
except there is not really
any grass
in the middle yard.

Just sticks and chestnuts
and branches and bamboo
and did I mention the chestnuts?
because that is important.
I got hit in the forehead the other day
by a flying chestnut that the lawnmower
spit out with impressive vengeance.

Which would not have happened,
if I had shut the lawn mower off
to take it to the back yard.

My technique for cutting the lawn
starts off with straight lines…
well…somewhat straight…
but then, sometimes I see a patch of grass
over there that maybe I should cut RIGHT now
and then I go halfway around a tree
but there are branches that I haven’t cut up yet
so I play chicken with them,
seeing how close I can get to them before the
lawnmower wire gets all wrapped up in a branch
or I hit a big one…

I also cut half the lawn with
my eyes partially closed
and a scrunched up scared look on my face
because
I have only partially raked
and I know there are still loose sticks
and…maybe some rocks…
so I never know what I might run over…
last time, I ran over a rope
AND a plastic bag that got snarled in the blades
and I had to cut it out with a knife.

I kept my eyes open for that part.
Oh. And I shut the lawn mover off.

And sometimes, there might be a little
random patch of forget me nots
or…sometimes…dandelions
that I don’t have the heart to cut down
so I mow around them….

And I picture someone
precise and logical
observing me cut the grass
(usually my dad comes to mind)
and it makes me laugh…
which probably makes me look even stranger…
giggling to myself as I randomly
zigzag and circle and wander about
being totally illogical and
intentionally imprecise.

And then…
I go get ice cream.

tuesday truths - the positives of a negative

♥ everyone i know is still safe, still healthy, still happy

♥ seeing people come together while staying apart

♥ spending time with 20…he makes me hot dogs or grilled cheese for lunch
which makes the fact that he got a new video game AND WON’T STOP
YELLING AT THE TV a tiny bit more bearable

♥ being able to rent movies from YouTube and google play

♥ extra time to read

♥ getting out with the dog every day at lunch

♥ yoga stretch breaks don’t look quite so silly in my house
as compared to in the office

♥ music plays all day as i work from home and NO ONE yells
at me from over the cubicle wall for singing :)

♥ i have not run out of jujubes yet

♥ a tension filled game of online scrabble with a worthy component (who
is going to lose but I am not sure she has come to terms with that yet)

♥ my mom calls me every second night, just to check in…

♥ texts and messages from friends

♥ painting bears and new cards and catching up on blogs

♥ planning my garden…there WILL be a garden this year….a garden of epic-ness

♥ texts from my girl and knowing that she is happy right now…which makes me
incredibly happy

♥ started feeding the birds every morning (right after I disinfect all the doorknobs)
and started seeing little teeny tiny birds come EVERY DAY! :)

I know these are tough times…
scary and uncertain…
uncharted waters.
But there are tiny glimmers of good,
you just have to look a little harder for them…

I have cut back drastically on my FB reading
and I never, ever, EVER read the comments…
I get a summary of the news from a good friend
who knows how much I can handle…
i am on a need-to-know basis.

Do what works for you.
But breathe.
Find calm.
Make a puzzle. Watch a movie.
Find something that makes you laugh really hard,
and then watch it again.
Connect. Listen. Be still. It’s ok.
We got this.

xo