sometimes it snows in april & we all should join christopher tracy's parade...

purple rain was the first R rated movie
i ever saw...
i went to the captitol theatre
with my cousin Linda...

i watched the movie millions of times
after that
and knew the words by heart.
i even made my father watch the movie.
in his defense, he pretended to like it,
for my sake...
even though i realize now
that it was likely a very uncomfortable movie
to watch with your daughter...heh.

i wore purple religiously for my 3 years of high school.
purple binders, backpacks, purple colored ink in the pens
that i used to write
i <3 prince and billy idol rules all over my desk
in english class
(and, subsequently, had to wash off)...
purple shoes, purple hair clips...
my grade 12 year book is full of comments about purple
(and prince) (and billy idol)...

View fullsize

i dragged my best friend off with me to see
under a cherry moon
there was only one other person in the theater besides us...
the little brother of a friend of mine
(which was funny, because his brother and i used to discuss
prince in great length...when he wasn't trying to make me
listen to genesis...)

View fullsize

people used to record prince concerts for me (we didn't have cable)
and leave prince tapes in my mailbox....
i listened to around the world in a day on repeat for months...
i danced alone in my room to little red corvette
and raspberry beret...
i defended him when he changed his name to a symbol
and i put his whole discography on my phone
(do you know how much space that is...
that is a very large volume of work.)

one of my best memories that involves prince
actually revolves more around my mom.
i listened to the soundtrack of purple rain relentlessly...
and a friend of the family tried to point out the
sex-aspect to my mom...specifically the song darling nikki
(i was 14 when purple rain came out)...
and my mom didn't budge...didn't flinch...didn't hesitate...
i was never told not to listen to it.
and that
meant a lot to me
and has stuck with me for this long.

and now he's gone.

it's funny how these people you have never met
become so entwined in your memories...
and it feels so real...there is a true sense of loss
but you aren't sure how much of it
is actually tied more to the passing of your own
youth...

he was complex and odd and lyrical and original...
& somewhere he is in the purple rain
having starfish and coffee and waiting for the parade.
 

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad
Sometimes I wish that life was never ending,
But all good things, they say, never last

The beautiful ones, they hurt u everytime
 

#happy

the truth is
there will always be
dishes to be done
and bills to be paid...
to-do lists as long as your arm
and a clock ticking too fast to keep up with...

there will always be
mean people in the world...no matter how old you get,
how nice you try to be....
there will always be sadness, anger, illness...
sometimes feelings will get carried away and fly off all misdirected...
sometimes you will feel misunderstood...or teeny-tiny-small in
this big wide loud and chaotic world...

there will always be self doubt
and comparison...
uncertainty and anxiety
a mile high if you let it
sink it's teeth in...
worry and politics and fear and who's right...who's wrong
and what really matters
when you look at the big picture...
but most of the time
you want to stick your head in the sand
so you don't have to see...or think...or have an opinion....
about the big picture
because the big picture is
terrifying sometimes.

BUT the truth is
there will always be spring, too...
sunshine on your face
and the freedom that comes with
shedding winter layers...

there is music, there are books,
there are new clients to meet
and new friends to be made.
there are cuddles on the couch
while a movie plays in the background...
cartoons and fresh new coloring books
and the smell of crayons...
the sound of your girl singing upstairs,
the guitar strums as your husband
takes time to learn your favorites songs,
famous blue raincoat
and hums along to
robin hood and little john walking through the forest...
your tall gangly 16 year old
heading out to practice kick flips again...
there are kittens who have become cats
and a pug who thinks he is the baby of the family...

there's chicken fricot and
feeling better after a long flu,
best friends that know you better than anyone,
bullet journals and pretty post it notes,
plans for gardens and road trips
and coffee dates...fresh lemon pie
and buns from water street bakery...
there are the waffles from the farmer's market
with fresh berries and real whipped cream,
the smell of freshly washed sheets, or
the way your husband walked our
elderly neighbor up his lane
so sweetly you had to go in the house
so he didn't see you cry.

there is all of this
and so much more.
this is a choice.
this is the choice.
i just have to remember that the choice to be happy
is always there for me.
 

View fullsize

lights... camera... island!!

it has been a while since i have
been able to get to this page...
not that i haven't thought about it.

but some time before christmas,
i took a deep breath and a chance
to try something i had never
ever
done before...
i auditioned for a play.

and i got a part.

the funny thing was i read for two parts...
one was a bit of a panicky/anxiety-ridden girl
and the other was a "girl from away"
who was calm, poised, confident
and...kind of self absorbed/stressed/a little snarky...

i immediately thought
i AM panicky/anxiety girl
and was surprised when they said...no...you are alice.
:)

View fullsize

this is me...in the dressing room...crazy eyed with butterflies and feelings of what the hell have you gotten yourself into!

the play opened last night
with what felt like great success...
laughter in all the right places
and you could tell the audience was connecting the dots
of the story...it's a feeling i can't really
explain...but it was pretty damn exciting.

View fullsize

but that's not to say that i wasn't stressed out
up until this point.
almost every thing about doing this
pushed me so far out of my comfort zone...
i am not good with change, especially fast change
and there is a lot of that...
I like things to be black and white...
to be sure of what I am supposed to do
and to KNOW what I am doing...
well, for a long time during this play
i had NO idea of what I was doing...
i didn't know the terminology, i stuttered my lines,
i thought "upstaging" myself meant that i was
overacting...not that i had come too far out on the stage, haha :)
I was reminded that I am very much an introvert
and that being around people, no matter how awesome they are,
for long periods of time
is exhausting and may make me extra-emotional.
I won't lie...
there were tears and cursing and
"why am i doing this?" and "i will NEVER do this again"
but
last night
when it all came together
and it was lights and mics,
laughter and murmurs from the audience,
pats on the back and whispered praise to each other
as we came off stage,
shared giggles over lines almost missed...
well....
it all became worth it.

you can check out more info about the play here...
there is still time for you to come and see it, if you like!

 

View fullsize

ziggy played guitar...

when i think of david bowie
i can picture myself at 16, at 17, at 18 even...
vividly...painfully...
scrawny and awkward,
anxious and weird.

View fullsize

funny haircut, odd sense of fashion,
never quite able to follow the trend...
always coming close
but then weirding it in up in my typical way...
a crooked tooth that stuck out
and arms that bent backwards...
a bizarre sense of humor
and an often debilitating inability to
have a normal conversation
with other people...
(i still suck at small talk and
say oddball things when i am nervous).

and then i remember finding david bowie...his older stuff...
and thinking holy hell!
it's ok.
it's ok to be weird.
i remember renting vhs tapes of his concerts
from maccormack's store
and studying them...
mesmerized by them...
he was weird.
and it was ok.

View fullsize

i was weird.
and maybe...
it was going to be ok....eventually.

View fullsize

i used to sign my notes major tom...
and i may or may not have had a
large cardboard box in my bedroom
that i used to pretend was a rocket
when i was much too old
to be sitting in a cardboard box
floating in space
hiding from the
real world.

so yeah,
it was pretty damn comforting to
watch this guy with funny teeth
and crazy hair, heavy eye liner & blue eyeshadow
silver lame suits and songs about spiders
and laughing gnomes
just be himself.

it's funny the things that shape you
when you don't even know
that you are being
shaped.
 

“Staying back in your memory
Are the movies in the past
How you moved is all it takes
To sing a song of when I loved
The Prettiest Star”

— david bowie

tonight is... {nablopomo}

popcorn for supper
diet coke on the side
tammy wynette and patsy cline quiet in the background
otherwise
a silent house
while the kittens sleep
and the pug lays under my feet
snorting and sighing.

strains of guitar
and a blue haired girl singing

daylight savings time
is catching up with me
is slowing me down
making me want to build
blanket forts and read
books by flashlight
 

View fullsize