where i have been when i have not been here...

the truth is
i feel like i have been
kind of all over the place...
work is busy,
christmas is coming.
the days are shorter
and darker
and colder...

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i am in snuggle down mode...
all about blankets and books,
movies and hot chocolate-y chai tea...
i tell myself the light is not good enough
to doodle by
and that one more night
away from the gym
is not going to hurt...

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i am reading harry potter...
right now i am on book 3...
harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban.
i have read it before but
i can't really remember it...
i am thoroughly enjoying it though.
i am not sure that i am going to make my goal
of 24 books before the end of the year though
which actually completely surprises me.
i was sure that i would do it this year.
finishing this one will be put me at 19.
sigh.

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i just need to shut the tv off
and disconnect myself from my little Sims world
and maybe read a real book
made out of paper and ink
and not just on my phone...
but if you are curious about my Sims world,
you might like to know
that jon bon jovi and joan jett
just got married and have a baby...
RON BON JOVI....
heeheehee...
oh.

and joannie and chachi just got engaged.
or wait.
that might have been the fonz & pinky tuscadero.

yeah.
i really need to disconnect from the virtual world for a bit.
:)

i'm not sure what it is about fall...

but i am incredibly
less productive
in the fall.

i'm good right up until it starts to get
just a little bit dark..
like...6 pm...
and then i just want
pajama pants, some hot chocolate,
my phone and the couch.

i am all about movies and
tv shows and good books
and finding new apps
and naps...so many naps.

as soon as the sun starts to set,
it seems to take any energy reserves
i had left
with it...

hopefully
this is just a phase
and maybe i'll grow out of it.
:)

and really, i'm writing this
in hopes that people are going to say
THAT'S totally normal,
i'm like that, too!
heh.
i'm all about validation

she said...she said...i swear to god she said....

what can i possibly say
that hasn't already been said today...
broken hearts & sweet sad playlists
one more story of "when i saw them..."
{collective grief & sadness}
we all knew it was coming
but it still didn't soften the blow

Sometimes I feel so good I gotta scream
She said Gordie baby I know exactly what you mean
She said, she said, I swear to God she said...

the first time
i saw tragically hip
i was working at radioland...
when i went to bars,
people called me
radioland girl...
and i liked it.

could have been the willie nelson,
could have been the wine...

the MCA rep
gave us free tickets
to this little unknown band
playing at the regent...
i had just turned 19...
i remember drinking too much
and dancing
directly in front of the stage...

Baby I feel fine
I'm pretty sure it's genuine
It makes no sense, no it makes no sense

if i had known then
that this band's music,
this man's words
were going to follow along with me
through the next 20+ years
of my life
i might have paid more attention
that night.

Old lion's dying, got left behind
Cut your teeth, lose your meat
And man it's just a matter of time
Key's to the cuffs, you might be king
That's it, that's all, that's everything

i've seen them a number of times
since then
but it was that first night
that i remember most ...
a feeling of incredible unbridled sweaty screaming energy,
and of feeling like we found something
rare and beautiful and hypnotic
that the other people didn't know about just yet...
like we had accidentally discovered
planets of electron avalanches
and nuclear fusion and
wiry wrapped up energy...

His tiny knotted heart
Well, I guess it never worked too good
The timber tore apart
And the water gorged the wood

his lyrics.  oh.  his lyrics.

When I left your house this morning,
It was a little after nine
It was in Bobcaygeon, I saw the constellations
Reveal themselves, one star at time

that summer
i raced home
from shooting a wedding
so i could meet friends
in the park
and sit on blankets
on cold wet grass
and catch the last encore
of the final show
on a big screen...
so we could say goodbye.

If I could sleep there's a chance I could dream
and reconjure all of those vivid scenes.
O insomniacs of the world, good night.
No more wishing on the Neverstar.

usually....

usually...september is my month...
not just because it's my birthday
and our anniversary...
but because it's always like a
mini january for me...
a bit of a fresh start,
a reason to make lists (like i need a reason, haha)
and set {or re-set} goals...
to prepare for the hunkering
down of winter
after the go-go-go feeling of summer...

but i'm struggling a little this year.

i don't know if it's because
i have no little ones
starting first days of school
backpacks in hand,
teeth missing and new sneakers to break in...

i am out of sorts.

lately there has been too much of
saying goodbye to people before you are ready
and stupid migraines in a cluster,
news that you try to avoid
cause what can you do about it
anyway
but yet it still manages
to creep into your brain
and keep you awake at night
wondering about the warmer oceans
and global discontent...

i am out of sorts this september.

but even as i write this...
i can feel it lifting a bit.
i started thinking about fall...and boots
on trail walks...crunchy leaves...
the smell of woodsmoke heavy in the air...
candles burning...books to read...
pajama pants and big soft blankets.
chicken fricot...hot chocolate with melty marshmallows...

yeah.
i feel better already!
i have to go...i have lists to make!
:)

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life is messy...

this weekend
has flown by in a
blur
of happy and sad,
birthdays, bittersweet homecomings
and sad goodbyes...

our girl turned 22 on saturday.
it is hard for me to wrap my head around this number.
where is the time going?
2 jobs, going to school, her own apartment...
no driver's license yet
{well... she is her mother's daughter...}

we are incredibly proud of her.
she came into this world stubborn,
taking her sweet old time
and not making her entrance
until she was good and ready...
and that's how she still lives her life today.

she's loud and mouthy and
strong and brave.
and i would not change a thing about her.

we weren't expecting to see her on her birthday
since she was just home last week
but she came home
for a wake and funeral.

i had not planned on talking about this here
because it was my husband's uncle
and i feel like it is not really my story to tell...
but i do have to say this...

as i watched my husband's family over the past
couple of days, i was struck by how strong
and closely knit and...well...how amazing that family is.
they accepted the unbearable sadness that came with having to
say goodbye to a man that was like a rock
within a much larger part of their family,
extending far beyond their family unit of husband and father
to father in law, grandfather, brother, uncle and close cherished friend to so many,
with the strength of coming together
as a family in such a powerful way.

goodbyes are always so damn hard
yet made bittersweet when filled with stories and song,
laughter between the tears, hugs and memories and so much food
passed around the family til late in the night...
and it gives me comfort to know that
yes, things are going to be hard sometimes
and goodbyes are going to have to be said
no matter how hard we don't want to say it,
no matter how hard we fight to hang on,
but watching each of them looking out for each other...
pats on the back, so many hugs, so many stories...
well...i think it's a testament to how he lived his life
and how he affected/influenced/impacted so many people in his life
in such a positive way
and that is the kind of legacy worth leaving behind...
you can't ask for more than that.

he will be incredibly missed by so many

♥ ♥ ♥